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April 1, 2016

A Senator bit into an extra large brownie at the Senate meeting recently and found an actual gold doubloon! "I was sure surprised," said the faculty member. "This should definitely pay for the dental bill and maybe even fund 50 new faculty." Pending authentication of the doubloon, the campus administration had no comment. 


The fact finder report of the CFA/CSU labor dispute quotes former California Governor Ronald Reagan saying "Fact are stupid things
er, stubborn things, I should say
" which prompted CFA and  the Spin doctor of the CSU to schedule a duel to be held at SSU. CFA has cried foul since the report cannot hold a weapon and this violated the Accessible Technology Initiative. The Spin doctor brushed such accusations aside claiming that they had decided on hacking as the weapon of the duel and that all targets would be accessible. The NSA could not be reached for comment. 
Olivia Pope was seen on campus recently  fueling fears of a scandal brewing between Copeland Creek and the Rowing Club. Rumors have spread of harsh words between two members of the Rowing Club and the Cr eek. Pope said, " My clien t has  only has the  deepest respect for the Rowing Club."
Commencement Speaker Chosen
Pushing the boundaries of tradition, Anime character  Great Teacher Onizuka will be the 2016 Commencement speaker. "Having an anime speaker presents some interesting challenges" said Facilities. "We've had to be very creative to make sure he can be seen clearly from all areas of the Commencement Lawn and not to appear as a line to anyone." Apparently, Onizuka has quite a few demands, such as a glare guard on stage and a private bathroom. Many faculty are dismayed since Great Teacher Onizuka cheated in school to get ahead. 
New Degree Program
The Senate approved a new degree program titled Professional TED Speaker. This is an interdisciplinary online program combining course work in engineering, astronomy, art, biology, english, communication studies, Hutchins, anthropology, psychology, computer science,  and theater arts in collaboration with Pearson, Google and Space X.  The 20 faculty overseeing this program are confident that the Chancellor's office will approve the new degree and that it will become a model for similar degrees across the country.  The new FB likes will be used in lieu of SETEs.
Resolutions Recently Approved by the Senate

Resolution to have Champagne at all Senate meetings.

Resolution opposing freshman completing SETEs

Resolution approving balanced, low cost, organic, locally sourced, minimally processed, high quality, luscious, piquant, intellectually satisfying, toasty,  Finger Licking Good wine and cheese pairings at the GMC.

Resolution supporting five paid holidays for all wildlife on campus.

Resolution to bring Eddie Izzard as the keynote speaker for the Faculty Professional Development workshop on "Bringing Humor to Boring Subjects."
Presidential Candidates at SSU

Faculty Governance is proud to be a sponsor for all Presidential Candidates to Rally @ SSU.


Every weekend until the Presidential Election, SSU will open the campus to all Presidential candidates to help educate students, many of whom will vote for the first time. Campus Events and Police Services are working together to provide safe spaces for the candidates and their detractors. "Healthy debate is the hallmark of a working democracy." said one political science major. Equal time will be given for the candidates and those who oppose them. The Sanders and Trump campaigns say "bring it on!" Cruz wants to confer with his evangelicals. Clinton seemed hesitant, but did answer by email. Kasich wants a tea party. All the other candidates are working on a carpool.

Anarchist Collective
A group of faculty calling themselves the Anarchist Collective appear to be hell bent on disrupting faculty governance. They are calling for the dissolution of all committees and creating mutual aid societies instead. They champion self-rule for all of campus. A spokesperson said, "We value complete freedom from any form of governance, even those effective ones consisting of faculty." Disruptions take the form of silly motions, walk outs, dog walking, burning agendas and building a paper mache image of Emma Goldman in the the Darwin/Stevenson courtyard, next to Bacon and Eggs. 

Sonoma State University Academic Senate
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