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Someone has asked for advice. You know what you would do in this situation. But you also recognize that telling someone what to do doesn't really help them develop the skills to solve their own problems.
At this moment there is a fork in the road — the question of how to be in this conversation.
This isn't just a dilemma in one-on-one conversations. It arises when working with others to solve problems, understand concerns, listen without defending or dismissing.
This is a moment where people with coaching training have a distinct advantage.
The Moment of Choice
The presence of the fork in the road is real for anyone in these situations, coach or not. But the practice of coaching makes it easier to identify these moments and understand the draw toward the less productive path.
These abilities are particularly important for the person who has spent a career in one role — troubleshooter, problem solver, critic — and now needs to lead from a very different position. Setting aside the more tempting option to focus on the goals of the task at hand is a skill. And it can be developed.
A Moment from the Field
Earlier this semester I was asked to chair a college task force to develop a statement on AI use. Not surprisingly, the committee looked a lot like higher ed right now — people who can't agree on whether AI is an opportunity or a catastrophe.
The last day we met — not coincidentally the day after classes had ended, when everyone was tired, punchy, and more than a little overwhelmed — a colleague emphatically declared that all 'tech-bros' were intent on eradicating liberal arts and, probably, all of higher education — and that this should be clearly articulated in our document as a call to arms.
Initially, I pushed back, noting that the claim seemed an over-generalization. My colleague responded with quotes from various leaders in the AI domain.
What we had here were the beginnings of a sustained, committed argument among people who know how to argue.
I paused where a younger version of me would have rolled up my sleeves.
What made that pause possible was noticing — in the moment — my own readiness to spar. Through years of coaching I've become better at observing my own thoughts and impulses, which makes it at least possible to be more intentional about how I respond.
Instead of continuing to push back, I stopped pushing altogether. I asked: "What do you hope will be the impact of including a statement to this effect in our document for the college?"
In asking this, I shifted things — just a bit. Instead of defending intellectual positions on which we apparently differed, the shared project came back into view. The argument we'd been about to have simply dissolved.
What made the question work was that it didn't oppose my colleague's energy — it redirected it. Defending a stance requires an opponent. My question didn't offer one.
The conversation that had threatened to derail us resolved itself, almost quietly.
I've been in enough meetings — small departmental gatherings, university-wide town halls, and everything in between — to know that the shared purpose of all of us in higher ed rarely serves as a focal point and is frequently abandoned altogether.
Imagine what it would be like if fewer meetings were derailed. If the shared purpose served as an anchor.
Building the Skill
There is no trick that shifts this behavior overnight. It is a skill, and like any skill it develops through practice — which means the goal at the outset isn't mastery, it's simply getting closer to it. And so here is some free coaching for you:
The first step is the post-mortem. After a conversation goes sideways, ask: where was the fork? What was the pull? This won't change what happened — that moment has passed — but it begins building the capacity to recognize the pattern.
The next step is simply to keep noticing, with the goal of shrinking the time between the moment things go sideways and the moment you realize why. With practice — and it does take practice — that gap closes. Eventually the noticing happens in the moment itself, early enough to make a different choice.
That's the skill coaching develops. Not a shortcut. A practice.
You've now been coached, a bit, and in being coached on this skill, you are a bit closer to developing a core capacity of coaches.
At LifeBound, coaches who have spent their careers in higher ed provide the training and mentorship emerging leaders need to navigate the real decisions — and the real moments — that matter in academic leadership.
To learn more or explore which option is right for you, visit www.lifebound.com.
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