FOCUS: Parenting
EDITION: April 2024
Thirty years in the therapy chair have offered me a window into countless lives; I don’t think there is much I have not seen. But there’s a recurring plot in the family saga that has me both amused and perplexed: the continual rise of the mini attorneys that present themselves in my office. These pint-sized powerhouses (of all ages) don’t need a law degree to run the household; they’ve got their parents wrapped around their fingers and wear this proudly, as a badge of honor. Let me share my tales of over-explanation, over-justification, and the over-negotiation phenomena that are turning family dynamics into their own specially designed courtroom drama.

When parents consistently over-explain, over-justify, or engage in excessive negotiation with their young children, they inadvertently set the stage for a dynamic where the child assumes the role of the “boss” of the family. This shift in power can manifest in various negative behaviors as children test the boundaries of their newfound authority. Understanding these behaviors is crucial for parents aiming to foster a healthy family dynamic where authority is respected, and children feel valued and understood.

Let’s examine examples of kids in the different age categories in the therapy setting: 

Little Bosses: Navigating the Power Dynamics of Toddlers and Preschoolers in the Family

Lucas enters my office, his energy levels clearly indicating he’s used to taking the lead...

We have either observed or done it ourselves. The infamous “roll your eyes” when a parent is preaching, repeating, or reiterating something that has been already said or discussed.

Parents may over-justify for various reasons, often with the best intentions at heart, aiming to ensure their child understands the reasoning behind decisions or to avoid emotional distress. You know, repeating a rule, moral or value they believe their kid might not have learned yet. This is irritating, annoying, frustrating and inadvertently complicates simple matters or undermine the child’s ability to accept and learn from straightforward rules or consequences.

Trust me, kids know how their parents feel, what they will and will not accept, and what gets under their skin. They can write a list of your expectations, rules and what you won’t put up with. Many times, less is more when speaking to your kids.

Inside the Mind of a Child: What Kids Really Think When Parents Overexplain; Out of the Mouths of Babes

Kids have a unique way of observing and commenting on the world around them, including their parents’ attempts at parenting. Here are some quotes that children have shared in therapy about their parents’ habits of over-justifying, over-explaining, and their own tactics for negotiation...

FREE PRINTABLES:
RECOMMENDED BOOKS & AUDIO:
Raising Good Humans: A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids


Audible Audiobook:

How to Talk When Kids Won't Listen: Whining, Fighting, Meltdowns, Defiance, and Other Challenges of Childhood

No: Why Kids--of All Ages--Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It 


Establishing Boundaries with Kids: A Parent's Guide to Negotiating Limits and Improving Parent-Child Interactions


EXCELLENT VIDEOS ON PARENTING:
By Dr. Jordan Peterson
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Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.

I want each person I work with to know they do have a voice, and by becoming accountable, they can change their lives for the better.
CRT, CCDC, CACC
Life Coach & Counselor