The I, We, and You of Coaching

In a coaching conversation, the coach empowers the agency of the coachee. The coach questions and supports as the coachee analyzes situations, comes up with potential choices, and perhaps lands on a decision for an action to take. This functioning requires an equal-power relationship, in which the coach has no jurisdiction over the coachee, and no hand in the action. 

One of the trickier elements of coaching is to figure out the "I," "we," and "you" of the coaching relationship such that it supports this structure. Sarah Kravits, LifeBound Master Trainer and Rutgers University Academic Coach, often sees the challenge of these pronouns come up in coaching. "Every pronoun has its role and its challenge. The coach's input provides the structure of the conversation -- yet too much 'I' from the coach can veer into advice-giving and reduce coachee agency. The connection between coach and coachee is essential -- but if the coach uses 'we' in a certain way in questioning, this implies that the coach shares the accountability for action with the coachee. The coachee is the key actor -- but if the coach uses 'you' in too directive of a way, it can drain accountability which saps motivation." 

To remember and support the most effective roles of each person as she is coaching, Kravits has come up with a set of three brief statements. "I remind myself: I invite. WE connect. YOU act.

'I invite' means I invite the coachee to explore and share their opinions, and minimize my own.

'WE connect' means that we are working together, but I'm not asking questions like 'what can we do about your quiz grades' which would imply that I have a hand in the decision and the change.

'YOU act' means that the coachee is solely responsible for the action taken -- and, as a result, is the full beneficiary of that action." 

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