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By the Rev. Emma Sancomb
Director of Spiritual Care, Cedar Community, West Bend
People often say that the first year of holiday’s after you lose a loved one is always the hardest, I’m not sure I agree with that statement. My dad died when he was only 57 and that first Christmas without him was of course challenging. But what I found to be even more challenging was his granddaughter’s first Christmas. He should have been here with her; making Christmas cookies, reading Christmas books, playing in the snow.
What is often referred to as “the most wonderful time of the year” is so much more complex than that. Hopefully, prayerfully, there are moments of joy. Realistically, there is probably a spectrum of emotions spanning from joy or hope to grief, anger and maybe even loneliness. Whatever the emotion may be, we have a responsibility to honor our humanness behind each emotion.
Honoring our emotions and our loved ones can look many different ways. Maybe you want to light a candle or offer a prayer before a meal in honor of your loved one. Maybe you create an online post/tribute for them. It can also be meaningful to share a favorite story about your loved one or invite everyone to share a funny story about them. Is there a special tradition that you want to carry on or maybe a new one you would like to start in their honor?
During this season, it can also be helpful to have a “Plan A” and a “Plan B”. Plan A can be that you are going to visit family as you normally do, but if that doesn’t feel right in the moment, you have Plan B ready. The most important thing to know is that here isn’t a “right” or “wrong” way to feel as long as you are taking care of your needs and emotions. If that means canceling the holidays this year, there is no shame or judgment in that. Take a year off and know that they will come around again.
A few Do’s and Don’ts:
- Do be kind and gentle with yourself and others.
- Don’t do more than you want or can handle and don’t do anything that doesn’t server your soul and your loss.
- Do allow time for your feelings.
- Don’t keep feelings all bottled up.
- Do allow others to help. We are created to be in community and encouraged to support each other.
- Don’t ask if you can help a friend. Mindfully find ways that you can just help. Hold space for their grief, share a meal together or invite them to a gathering.
- Do pay attention to the unexpected grievers. Just because someone’s loss was a long time ago doesn’t mean they aren’t still having a difficult time.
Questions to consider:
- How are you honoring or supporting those who might be grieving in your church?
- Do the leaders in your church know how to provide emotional and spiritual support to those who are grieving or navigating mixed emotions?
- Does your church accommodate space for the many emotions that can come up during the holidays? For example, does your church offer a Blue Christmas Service? (see resources below)
- Does your church have a support group or know of some support groups in your community that you can refer those who are grieving to?
Resources:
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