The Role of Friendship in the Lives of Children and Youth

January 2016

GCSCORED CHRONICLE

BI-MONTHLY PEER REVIEW E-MAGAZINE

E ditor-in-Chief: Laverne Shaw-Bailey, M.A.

The Role of Friendship in the Lives of Children and Youth

Tinisha Lewis, MSc.

Programme Manager of GCSCORED Caribbean

Abstract

...........Friendship is a key aspect in the lives of children and youth; as it helps them to feel a sense of belonging, support, happiness; among other things. When children lack friends, there exists many negative outcomes, such as loneliness, depression, underperformance at school, truancy, low self-esteem and bullying. Hence, this paper seeks to bring across the importance of friendship, specifically outlining the major causes and effects which the absence of friendship can pose upon children and youth, along with several solutions that this issue can be resolved by. It is the hope of the researcher that this paper will not only bring an awareness to this matter, but will thus provide those who work for and with children and youth the necessary steps that can be taken to decrease the inability of children and youth attaining and maintaining friendships.

Friendship Defined

...........According to Epstein (2006), friendship is the strongest bond of a relationship that is not connected through blood. It is "..an attachment based on affection or esteem; a favored companion, one joined to another in mutual benevolence and intimacy; the antonym of an enemy" (Epstein, 2006, p. 11). From the views of 40,000 people, friendship was seen as a close connection that included acceptance, trust, respect, mutual support and help, open disclosure, understanding and the ability to be oneself (Santrock, 2008).

...........According to Hartup et al. (as cited in Sebanc, Kearns, Hernandez and Galvin, 2007), most children seek friendship at the preschool level. Those who have friends may share similar and/or different personalities, features, and familial, religious & environmental backgrounds (Burns, 2012). It can also be said that friends are more similar than different in nature towards gender, age, socioeconomic status, ethnic background, attitudes and interests (Daddis, 2008).

The selection of friends is sometimes a preference rather than a necessity (Epstein, 2006). Children and youth may go as far as to consider someone to be their best friend if they shared a deep and close connection with that person over a period of time (Plummer, 2014). From a research conducted by Sebanc (2007), it was found that older children were more likely to have a friend, to the extent of a best friend, than younger children.

When a child or youth's social networks expanded, the chances of them having a bestfriend increased as well. Where a child may have considered someone to be their best friend, another may have considered someone to be their acquaintance. This could be due to the child's inability to attain sufficient knowledge and understanding of the other person in order to make the transition from an acquaintance level to a friendship level. However, as the child's interaction increases with this individual, the status can change (Sebanc, 2007).

Pahl & Pevalin (2005) confirmed this statement in their longitudinal study on friendship choice when they found out as well that sources of friendship change with time. Between the ages of 16-25 years, 20% of friendships were familial, 20% of friendships were romantic, and 60% were unrelated to the previously mentioned categories. Within the pre-school setting, one-third of friendships were seen to be of the opposite-sex. However, when children reached the age of seven, opposite-gender friendships were almost non-existent (Rickelman, as cited in Reeder, 2000). According to Fehr (as cited in Santrock, 2008) "Cross-gender friendships are more common among adults than among elementary school children, but not as common as same-gender friendships in adulthood" (p.501).

The Purpose

The Purpose of Friendship

...........Friendship serves as an important part of a child and youth's developmental process. Marano (2015) in her article, The Dangers of Loneliness, stated that psychologists saw the innate need for attachment to occur in groups and in close relationships. According to Rabagliatti & Ciaviano (as cited in Zurko, 2011), within groups of friends, children and youth were able to discuss and define their worldview and values; which thus assisted them in their educational planning and professional goals later in life. The ability to function was best achieved when social needs were evident; as this allowed motivation to be easily acquired and challenges to be faced appropriately (Marano, 2015).

Rabagliatti & Ciaviano (as cited in Zurko, 2011), mentioned further that a friend's support allowed problem solving to occur, which thus promoted cognitive functioning in children and youth. Friendships decreased situational-anxiety and in turn increased self-confidence levels and a general sense of well-being. "..The role of friends in the process of separation from one's parents is necessary to achieve a mature identity" (Zurko, 2011, p.22). Friends are not only seen to provide others with the ability to manage themselves but also to improve their level of independence (Daddis, 2008).

Amman (2014), in her article Kids Define Friendship , acquired different perceptions of friendship among children below the age of seven. Those children saw friendship as being able to always have someone who would be nice to them and would play with them; someone who would share their favourite belongings with them; and someone they could play with as well as hug and show love to.

In contrast, among older children, Burns (2012) stated that friendship helps fill the deep need of human acceptance. It creates an avenue where advice could be obtained from someone other than parents and/or guardian concerning serious and uncomfortable subject matters. Friendship allows individuals to endure and overcome the most difficult times in their lives by having someone who they could depend on. This, Zurko (2011) saw as one of the most important functions of friendship.

The Absence of Friendships

............ According to Gurian (2014), "About 75% of preschoolers are involved in friendships, and by adolescence 80 to 90% report having mutual friends, usually including one or two best friends and several good friends" (para. 3). Where it can be seen that there are children and youth who possess many friends (75% and 80%-90% respectively), there are those who have little to no friends (25% and 10%-20% respectively). There are many reasons why a child or adolescent may have little to no friends in their life. Presented below are several reasons why this issue may occur.

Underdevelopment or Lack of Social and Emotional Skills

Social and emotional learning is the process by which an individual has and can effectively use the knowledge, attitudes, and skills needed in order to understand and manage their emotions, form positive relationships, establish and achieve positive goals, feel and express empathy towards others around them, and make rational decisions (CASEL, 2015). However, many lack these skills, which contribute to forming healthy friendships.

Low levels of social interaction in the early stages of a child's life is one reason for the lack of social and emotional skills in children and youth. This can prevent social and emotional skills from developing properly, which would have assisted them in forming and maintaining friendships with others. The low level of social interaction stems from the inability of children to interact with other children their own age within the school setting or any other social settings for that matter. Bagwell & Schmidt (2011) stated that children who do not have siblings to build a relationship with miss out on a valuable training experience of forming and molding skills and competencies that produce good peer relationships. Sharing can be one valuable skill learned from this kind of relationship.

Another reason for the absence of social and emotional skills in children and youth is the lack of guidance and knowledge given by adults as well the school system towards how children interact and communicate with others appropriately in regards to expressing and managing their emotions and feelings. The inability to do this can cause other children their age to tease, stigmatize, isolate and in turn, not befriend them. Thus it can be said that a person who lacks the knowledge, skills and attitudes which contribute to forming and maintaining friendships will not have any friends.

Having a Disability

Due to the stigma, a child or youth who does not have a disability may shun another person their age who has a mental or physical disability. According to Wehmeyer (2013), various research has been conducted which showed "..that students with intellectual disability are less likely to be socially accepted and more likely to be socially rejected than their nondisabled peers" (p.66). In another study conducted by Zic & Igric (as cited in Wehmeyer, 2013), it was found that although primary school students were receptive in assisting other students who had disabilities, they were not motivated in being friends with them. Disabilities which causes a child to remain at home can also limit the opportunity of making friends. Parents, special need assistants, therapists and social workers become the people who the child interacts with the most on a daily basis, and thus limits access to those their age engaging in activities with them within social settings (Shakespeare, 2014).

Situational Restrictions

Friends have to make the effort to keep in touch in order to keep their friendship going. Usually, friendships will not last if it is based solely on just having fun or just having someone there for convenience purposes. Some friendships decline due to persons following different paths in their lives. According to Hendrick & Hendrick (2000), ".. the loss of proximity is associated with friendship termination" (p.79). Situational obstacles occur, "..when people move away, attend different schools, change jobs, retire, [form new friendships, take an interest in different activities & social groups from their friend] or even move within the same city. The situational factors that play a role in friendship formation also plays a role in the dissolution of friendships" (Hendrick & Hendrick, 2000, p.79).

Negative Parental Influences

From a study conducted by Bagwell & Schmidt (2011), it was identified that marital quality led to more secure parent-child attachment and hence, led to good friendships. However, according to Kitzmann & Cohen (2003) in their study on the perceptions of interparental conflict on children's friendship quality, when parents had a hard time resolving conflict, their children had lower-quality friendships. This interparental conflict as mentioned by Kitzmann & Cohen (2003) caused high levels of conflict, the inability to problem solve, low intimacy levels and low companionship levels. When a child possesses negative qualities such as being pushy, controlling, untrustworthy, disloyal, mean, disrespectful and too needy, it tends to take away from the friendship, to the point of causing friendships to eventually break up.

Different Expectations among Opposite-Gendered Friends

........... According to Santrock (2008), issues may occur in opposite-sex friendships due to different expectations of both parties. Where a female friend may expect reassurance, sympathy, a listening ear and a hug from her male friend when she is going through a challenging situation, a male friend might see this as the opportunity to offer solutions in order to help solve the situation instead of consoling the female friend. Another issue that tends to also exist in opposite-sex friendships are "..unclear sexual boundaries, which can produce tension and confusion" (Santrock, 2008, p. 501). When a person begins to develop sexual feelings towards a friend, and act out on these feelings, it tends to make the friendship uncomfortable and awkward, especially if the other person does not feel the same way he/she may feel (Santrock, 2008).

Effects of Not Having Friends

..........When children do not have friends, whether they come to terms with it or not, they feel alone and much more vulnerable to their world. According to Burns (2012), life without friends becomes challenging for children because they would not have anyone who they can turn to when they are having a bad day or going through a difficult time in their life. Having no friends encourages boredom and loneliness; especially when a child lacks siblings.

Marano (2015) went further to say that loneliness may turn into sadness, a feeling of emptiness, isolation, deprivation. This can lead to children and youth becoming at risk for depression if there is a lack of a positive friendship in their life (Clayton, 2006). Marano (2015) also mentioned that children can develop delinquency traits, an outcast status, and other forms of antisocial behaviours which can lead to a decline in school performance and increase in dropout rates within schools when there is a failure to socially connect with peers. Due to the degree of loneliness, it can progress to a child experiencing suicidal thoughts and eventually engaging in suicidal attempts.

From the study of Mrug, Molina, Hoza, Gerdes, Hinshaw, Hechtman & Arnold (2012), it was found that outcomes of peer rejection also included anxiety, substance use and general impairment after six to eight years from when the rejection occurred. With symptoms of ADHD, ODD, CD, peer rejection predicted cigarette smoking, delinquency, depression, anxiety, and global impairment from six to eight years after the rejection occurred.

Solutions

Developing Friendship Skills

In order to have a friend, one must first be a friend. Being a friend or having friendships for that matter requires possessing the right set of skills and tools necessary in order to bring about this outcome. According to Spencer & Pahl (2006), an element of friendship is that a child should be able to have a sense of trustworthiness and loyalty to another. Acceptance and affirmation are other key qualities to a friendship. Children who are looking for friendships need to remember that they are not only to expect others to accept them for who they are, but they are to accept others for who they are as well. Being non judgemental and giving healthy criticism is a great valued aspect of a friendship. If a child can have these qualities, obtaining friends would be possible.

Interventions in Schools

According to Clayton (2006), interventions are needed in school settings to encourage aspects of friendship quality, life satisfaction anger management skills, social skills strategies, and coping skills. Through this, schools can help children and youth who have trouble getting along with others because of angry, aggressive, or bossy behavior to decrease the negative behaviour and increase positive behaviour which will open the area for other children and youth to be friends with them.

Parents and guardians need to provide a good balance by helping, supporting, encouraging, correcting and disciplining as seen fit. Wang & Sheikh-Khalil (2014) found in their study that while parents need to keep in mind that children may need their independence, being in tune with school activities and other school-based programmes can help children and youth to not only achieve academically but also increase the parent-child bond and their child's mental health.

According to Wang & Sheikh-Khalil (2014), one aspect of this involvement can occur when parents attend Parent-Teachers' Meetings (PTA) and follow up with their child's teachers in regards to the child's personal/social performance; as well as what they can do to assist with their child's performance. Trained counselors, educators, and/or psychologists can work with parents as well to help them find positive disciplinary strategies and positive ways of communicating to their child.

Play Dates

Parents who engage their children in play dates tend to "..have children who have more play dates in both theirs and their peer's homes, have children with a larger range of playmates and more consistent play partners, and have children with closer and more stable friendships" (Frankel 2011, p.623). Younger children can allow their parents to invite children of their own age group over to their house for a play date. Even when a child is old enough to plan his/her own activities, parents can still play an active role by allowing their home to be a welcoming place through providing snacks, activities and a place for their child and their friend/s to actively communicate and socialize. Providing this environment can make play dates easier as the child and his/her friendships mature.

Community Events, Religious Gatherings, Clubs and Social Groups

Engaging children and youth in religious activities such as girls/boys scouts, pathfinders, church socials, church camps, and healthy community events and groups such as girl scouts, football, gymnastics, martial arts, basketball and piano lessons, are some of the many ways by which they can interact with children and youth their own age and thereby form friendships.

Schools can also provide extra-curricular activities such as a drama club, music class, book club, chess club and encourage peer groups which can allow self disclosure, respect, commitment, among other key qualities which foster friendships within children and youth. Danby, Thompson, Theobald & Thorpe (2012), stated that "..mutual interests and sharing things within a peer group, 'team' or club', can work to create an interactional space for friendship" (p.67).

Workshops and Seminars

Parents, guardians and stakeholders who work for and with children and youth can attend educational events that help teach social and emotional learning skills in the area of social management, social awareness, self-awareness, responsible decision-making, and relationship skills. These social-emotional competencies are needed to help children and youth create and maintain healthy friendships, as they were seen as determinants for whether or not children and youth will have friendships (Salisch, Zeman, Luepschen & Kanevski, 2014).

Conclusion

......... In conclusion, it can be seen how much friendship has a part to play in a child and youth's social and emotional development and quality of life. It must also be noted that a child having the ability to develop friendships is the responsibility of the child, as well as parents, loved ones, siblings, school administrators and other stakeholders alike. That is why, when it relates to the role which friendship plays in the lives of children and youth, every piece matters.

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