The Short Vort
Good Morning!
Today is Wednesday the 29th of Menachem-Av 5780 and August 19, 2020
Staples Part Two
We have spoken in the past (August 12, 2020) about my exploits at Staples.
Well, guess what? I was at Staples again yesterday, having another rare Sefer copied.
Nothing unusual occurred at the copy center.
However, after receiving my copied Sefer, I recalled that my wife had mentioned after my last excursion to Staples, that she wished I would have called her from the store to ask if she needed anything.
I called her, and you will never guess what she needed? She needed staples!!!
Having a low success record at shopping for my wife, I was determined to get this one right.
In the past, if she would tell me to buy potatoes, I bought potatoes. How was I supposed to know that there are Red Waxy Potatoes and White (all-purpose) Potatoes and purple potatoes and sweet potatoes and Russet potatoes?
If she asked me to pick up tomatoes, I never knew if she needed, grape tomatoes or red beefsteak tomatoes, or perhaps she meant cherry tomatoes? What about Roma tomatoes, they look good too.
And don’t forget about Heirloom tomatoes. Yet, perhaps her preference is for “tomatoes on the vine”?
It seemed that invariably I would never win the award for “Best Shopper/Husband of the Year”!
This time, when she asked me to buy staples, I was determined to get it right!
The first challenge was locating the aisle in which staples were for sale.
Were they in the pen section? Nope
Perhaps in school supplies? I could not find it there either.
Finally, in the aisle marked “staplers”- I found the sought after staples.
But, now, the fun began, did my wife mean “narrow-crown staples,” or did she need “fine-wire staples,” or did she need “medium crown staples.”
Or did she need, “Premium-staples”?
Oy, what am I going to do.
I began to daven to Hashem as I wondered about the store.
Each aisle was an anxiety trigger.
If you wanted to buy a simple pen, you go to the pen aisle, right?
The problem is there were dozens and dozens of pens to choose from!
Maybe you want a cup to drink from?
Be careful; there at least fifty types of different “mugs, cups, or “car-drinkware” (what is “car-drinkware” anyway? Is that the kind of drinkware you are supposed to use when you are hosting a party in your car?)
Finally, after saying ten chapters of Tehillim with more Kavanah than Kol Nidrei- (as this crucial decision could impact on my entire marriage!) and with great trepidation, my hand reached for the staples.
First, my hand touched the premium staples; however, I pulled back.
Maybe my wife had a “regular” non-premium stapler?
I could see it now, I would bring home the premium staples, and my wife would say thank you.
However, the next day she would quietly return the item to Staples because I bought the wrong one, yet, she would save me the embarrassment and not tell me that I failed again.
I begged Hashem as tears ran down my cheek, “Please Hashem, you know I want to buy the correct staples, please guide my hand to the correct box!”
Suddenly, a “Staples-helper-person” came over and said, “Excuse me, are you crying?”
“Yes, I am! I am crying to G-d to help me find the correct staples!”
“Well, that’s fine. However, I must inform you that you must leave the store now immediately. Due to COVID-19, you may no longer cry in the store. In fact, according to Governor Murphy’s newest decree, only crying, which is protected by the first amendment, is permitted. Crying for staples does not meet state requirements, I’m sorry, but, I must ask you to leave.”
“But why? Why must I leave?” I asked.
He looked at me as if I fell from Mars.
“Don’t you read the papers or listen to CNN?
The CVC, CVS, WHO, CNN, CNBC, NPR, AOC, and the entire SQUAD from the United States House of Representatives have prohibited crying in an enclosed area.
This restriction is limited to enclosed places that are occupied with more than 6% of their usual capacity.
However, no matter what, the enclosed place cannot exceed 11 people (including those in the restroom).
This prohibition is in place until Tuesday, November 3, at 9 PM Pacific time.
So I am sorry, sir, however, you must leave.”
“Ok, I pleaded, I’ll stop crying.”
He finally agreed to let me stay after taking my temperature and running a rapid COVID-19 swab test.
He also had me sign a paper declaring that I am not a registered Republican, nor have I ever participated in any function, gathering, or fund raiser for any Republican candidate.
When all the paper-work was completed, he asked me to immerse seven times in a tank of Purell as he made sure my head was utterly under the rim of the tub.
He then had me put on two sets of PPEs and asked to keep my hands above my shoulder level.
Only then did he reluctantly allow me to purchase one container of staples.
I asked Hashem to guide my hand and begged Hashem that my Purell covered hand will be able to hold the box of staples.
Hashem was very kind to me as I somehow managed to purchase the correct box of staples.
I brought it home to my wife, and we are living happily ever after.
“If Not Now, Then When?”- Hillel
Ron Yitzchok Eisenman
Rabbi, Congregation Ahavas Israel
Passaic, NJ
