ESCAPADES IN ISOLATION!
It's been decades since we've gone without performing for weeks, much less months, and this forced pause has really made us appreciate your great support and friendship over the years. We miss meeting up with you and seeing your smiling faces on the dance floor. It may be some time until we're together again, so we thought we'd let you know what we've been up to in isolation!
Swanee, Bobby Maestro and Keith are happy now that socially-distant golfing is allowed, since Swanee's habit of driving golf balls into the yonder from his back deck in the dead of night was apparently causing some kind of problem with picky neighbors, the sissies, sheesh!
Bobby also has been spending countless hours online at several language apps and hopes to soon be able to sing "La Bamba" in seven different languages, in one 18-minute-long song! Oh boy, we can hardly wait!
Keith entered a Russian chess tournament on the internet and won the grand prize, a centuries-old castle and estate in Saint Petersburg! Unfortunately he was unable to collect his prize in the required time period due to social distancing, and so he will receive the Russian Federation Good Sportsmanship ribbon instead. Way to avoid the tax liabilities that owning a multi-million-dollar estate brings Keith, smart thinking!
Rocky Beaumont has been spending his time wetting the line on his fishing rod, as usual. A few weeks ago he was out trolling on the Minnesota river when he got a bite and hauled in a large catfish. The fish looked Rocky smack in the eye with a pleading gaze, and Rocky knew right then and there that he couldn't eat him. So he took the catfish home and kept him in his bathtub, feeding and bonding with the fish, and named him Gillbert. One day Gillbert jumped up on a wet towel on the side of the bathtub, and soon he learned to breathe out of the water! Rocky fashioned a leash and began taking Gillbert out for walks in the woods, happily strolling along, you know, just a man and his fish. Then, tragedy struck. Last week as they were walking on a bridge over a stream, Gillbert slipped and fell in and before Rocky could do anything, he had drowned.
Please send your donations to the Beaumont School For the Advancement of Exceptional Fishes.
Hound Dog was nostalgic to revisit some of the sites of our previous shows, and then he remembered an amazing deal he saw in a magazine. He quickly gathered up all the spare change from the sofa cushions and mailed it in, and soon was the owner of a Polaris Nuclear Sub! Hound Dog scampered down the bluff to the Mississippi River and proudly launched his vessel.
He went upstream to St. Paul and Minneapolis, Anoka and Elk River. He docked in St. Cloud to grab a bag of loose-meat sandwiches for lunch, then sailed downstream to Trempealeau, Winona, and Holmen, but then he sprung a leak and had to head home. His mom decided the repairs were not worth the cost of the tin foil, and so Hound Dog now has a slightly-used submarine for sale, pictured above. Remember, all sales are final .
Gino Gambucci (shown above) is comfortable with the relaxed atmosphere in isolation and insists that he doesn't really need a haircut just yet! He has enjoyed cooking for himself; his girlfriend and her dog not so much. Gino has been practicing music daily, primarily working on his accordion, sitar and bagpipe skills. He dreams of bringing these elements together in The Whitesidewalls show, although Swanee does not seem as excited about the prospect for some reason, but he'll probably come around. Chive on Gino, and stay klassy!
DJ has spent his time in isolation composing a 5-hour song cycle that depicts the nearly-50-year history of the band. This fascinating opus will chronicle the early days, when Swanee and Hound Dog used barb wire for guitar strings to toughen up their hands, and when they welded the tuning pegs on the guitar in place so they would never, ever be out of tune again. The relentless composition will also detail the band's transition through the little-known (and hugely unpopular) jazz, polka, heavy metal and rap periods of The Whitesidewalls, right up to the swa-vey and sofistipated orchestra they are today. We'll warn you when it will be performed- so you don't miss it. You're welcome.
Trixie has used her time in isolation to meticulously crochet covers for all our instruments. This looked quite snappy and was working out well, until she got to the drum kit. Unfortunately, the yarn dampened the sound significantly, and also Rocky says he has trouble holding on to the drum sticks with their crocheted covers, wah wah. We suggested lighting the whole thing on fire at the last song for a spectacular crescendo, but the fire marshal wasn't too pleased about that whole deal, it's always something!
Of course, all of this is untrue! Right now The Whitesidewalls are socially distancing because we have elderly parents to protect. Also, we're not exactly spring chickens ourselves, and most likely neither are you! We can't wait to perform again and meet up with you all, but we know that will take time, and we want everyone to be safe. Please take steps to stay healthy and keep in touch, we value your friendship. This too shall pass and we'll dance in the sun once more!
Don't forget, you can listen to our weekly radio show hosted by Michael Patrick "Records" Ryan on the stations below. Click on the links anytime to hear the great music of the golden age of rock and roll!

KDUZ   AM 1260 in Hutchinson MN 1-3 PM (CT)  Sunday
 
KEWL  FM 98 in Jackson NJ 8-10 PM (ET)  Sunday
6-8 PM (ET)  Wednesday
 
Variety Oldies Music  in the United Kingdom noon-2 (GMT)  Thursday
(7-9 AM CT)
 
KSCR  FM 93.5 in Benson MN 10-noon (CT)  Saturday 
 
Stream  Tyme 102.9  in Lutz FL 4-6 PM (ET)  Saturday
 
WKLK  AM 1230 in Cloquet MN 5-7 PM (CT)  Saturday
 
Tune in to our wave!
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