They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning - Clint Eastwood
He was so narrow-minded, he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. - Molly Ivins
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades - Demetri Martin
For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. - Anonymous
Never miss a good chance to shut up - Will Rogers
A person with a sharp tongue will eventually cut themselves. - J. Robson Koenig
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket. - Will Rogers
I'd like to live like a poor man - only with lots of money. - Pablo Picasso
And some with unknown origins:
Did you know ants never get sick? It's because they have little anty bodies.
I started out with nothing...I still have most of it.
This "killing them with kindness" is taking way longer than I expected.
Not in jail, not in a mental hospital, not in a grave - I'd say I'm having a very good day.
One day you'll be able to tell your grandchildren "I survived the great toilet paper shortage of 2020"