This
Pesa
h
is like no other. I’ve made
charoset
for the first time, and while it tastes ok, it definitely does not look like it’s supposed to. The three recipes that call for fresh dill are going to have to settle for packaged, because the one store I went to was out, and I am not going anywhere else. And I am grieving the carwash I didn’t get - once each year I splurge for the
really
good car wash, and I love being in that clean car...but not this year.
On the other hand, there has been some true beauty as we have prepared for
Pesa
h
. My kids have been helping more than they usually do because, well, there isn’t much else to do. We are trying new recipes and making decorations and my kids promise they have an epic surprise for seder second night (I’m not so confident about their excitement). And we will make the best of it, whether our seder ends up lasting 20 seconds, 20 minutes or 2 hours.
This isn’t easy, and we need to put away the “should have been”s and the “supposed to”s. This week many of us are grappling with the places we
should
have been over the break, the people with whom we
should
be celebrating, and the food we
should
(or should not) have been making or eating for the holiday. Our kids are feeling that too - the cousins they should be seeing, the places they should be visiting. In our house, it’s the “bubbie’s chicken soup we should be eating.”
As we head into the holiday, I want to offer the following three ideas as ways to manage these feelings --
- Acknowledge those feelings. When my kids are hurt - physically but especially emotionally - I hurt. I can viscerally feel their pain and their heartache. When Nomi asks how many more sleeps until she can go back to school or my kids talk about missing their friends and teachers, my heart breaks a little. I want to fix it. But we need to remember as parents that, even if we could take away the pain, we shouldn’t. Anger, disappointment, grief and upset are all part of the human experience. They are feelings we must manage as adults. They are feelings we are managing, everyday, as adults in the current climate. And it’s crucial that when our kids feel those feelings, we teach them to hold the feelings instead of trying to do away with them. It’s important in those moments to breathe with them, to connect with them, and to acknowledge “yes, you are feeling disappointed. It is SO hard when you can’t get what you want.”
- Find moments of joy and winning. As our Director of Wellness Inez Tiger reminded our administration team this week, sometimes those moments are as simple as “I got up and got dressed this morning.” But acknowledge those wins. Each night at the dinner table we have been sharing the rose and the thorn of our day, because we need to celebrate the victories, small or big. And do what you can to create those moments of joy and winning. Sit outside. Read a book. Go for a run. Mindfully eat something delicious. On Monday night - even though it was the middle of bedtime and bathtime - I joined a national Rhymation zoom tournament (because it’s important to know, Rabbi Kligfeld was my partner for the game, and we won the first round of the tournament). This meant that my kids went to bed later than usual, and my Pesah cleaning is a little behind. But I had fun. I did something for myself. That night I approached kashering my counters with a new pep in my step.
- Mark this time. We know that the Israelites were slaves for 400 years. The plagues lasted for somewhere between 2-3 months (feels apropos, no?). The Jews wandered in the desert for 40 years. Each of these milestones is part of the story. Part of the beauty of Pesah is that we tell the story as if we were there - sometimes this feels rote. This year however, you can dig into the story in a different way. Rabbi Chorny posted a beautiful kavanah about the extra drops of wine she will spill tonight as she misses the people around her table, as she honors the doctors, nurses and medical professionals who are battling our current plague, and for the dreams deferred and hopes suspended until life can resume. I have been thinking a lot about the things in life to which we were enslaved - busy schedules and constant overwhelm - and how we maintain a freedom from them once this passes. And for sure, when we sing “Next year in Jerusalem” I think we will all be imagining a vivid future to which we aspire.
I am sending all of you so much love and virtual hugs. None of this is easy. I hope that in the coming days you can sit in those uncomfortable feelings by yourself and with those you love, you can
find your own moments of joy,
and you can find ways to bring the story into the present and the present into the story.
H
ag samea
h
!
Warmly,
Erica