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A Few Words from Pastor Bryan
And...Brennan Manning
I first encountered Brennan Manning in the summer of 1988. He was a keynote speaker at a conference I attended that year called, “Christian Artist’s Seminar in the Rockies.” It was held each August in Estes Park, CO for many years, and it was a week of concerts, keynotes, workshops, and contests all connected to the Contemporary Christian Music Industry. Brennan gave two or three keynote addresses during the week and they all touched me deeply. I purchased many audio recordings of his talks on cassette (pre-internet days!) and read all of his books. I was moved by his story and his focus. He grew up in Brooklyn, N.Y., joined the marines, fought in Korea, became a Franciscan priest and a rising young professor of theology, and then lost everything in a tragic alcoholic descent. He got into recovery. He started to share his story and write books. His main focus was on helping people who grew up with fear and punishment based religion and an “angry father figure God” to discover the relentless tenderness, wild grace, and unconditional love of the God of Jesus.
It was Brennan Manning whom I first heard joke about having 12 Commandments instead of 10. The 11th was “Thou shalt not invade principal,” and he referred to this as the "Episcopalian Old Money Commandment" that most churches with financial endowments obey with great reverence and commitment. And the 12th Commandment was, “Thou Shalt Not 'Should' On Thyself.”
I’ve shared this “commandment” often from the pulpit. When I first heard Brennan refer to it, he followed it with these words;
“God loves us as we are, and not as we should be. And it's a good thing, because the simple truth is there’s not one person in this room who is exactly as he or she (or they) should be.”
This simple statement spoke to me so deeply that I wrote a little musical chorus called “To Be Loved This Way” based on it. Here’s a link to it if you’d like to hear it. We’ve sung it a few times in worship. A lot of churches use it as an “Assurance of Pardon” after they pray a “Prayer of Confession.” Here are the words of the first verse;
If it’s true you love me as I am
And not as I think I should be
Then I’m free to face the parts of me
I’m tempted to deny
God you know all my laughter and all of my tears
You know where I’ve been and you know why I’m here
And you know it heals my deepest wounds to be loved this way
At least in large part because of Brennan Manning’s words, I rarely use the word “should.” Or I catch myself when I do. I think it’s primarily because “shoulding” almost always takes us in the direction of guilt, shame, or some kind of judgment. It also reminds me of a little saying I first heard in a 12 step meeting;
“Unsolicited advice is almost always criticism.” Hmmm.
So why do I even care about all this enough to make it the focus of my “Few Words…” this week?
I guess it’s because I find myself feeling judgmental and critical of too many people and too many things these days. I feel like telling too many people what they should or should not be doing, including myself. I feel like I should somehow be doing more to address the problems we’re facing at this point in history. I should be more effective in speaking Truth to power in love. I should be… oh any number of things. The energy of "should" is insatiable and relentless. And I’ll bet you have your own list. If you don’t, well, you should. Sorry—couldn’t resist.
And you know, it’s not that our opinions or thoughts are wrong. I mean it’s hard to try to live out biblical teachings like “Do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with God,” or “Love your neighbor as yourself,” without having a pretty clear sense of what kinds of choices and actions will be most in alignment with those mandates. And it's hard to be a human committed to an intentional spiritual journey of any kind without slipping into the marching orders and emotional quicksand of the subjunctive mode (fancy word for should).
But the energy of “should” is rarely what is needed to help anyone grow or change. And we’ve all had experiences of having a sense of what we “should” do or be like—and then failing to do it for any number of reasons. “Should” just doesn’t have any life-giving or truly motivating power behind it. In fact I think it often disempowers us.
When I tell myself I should be doing (or not doing) something, it’s usually just a way of criticizing myself for not doing or being enough. More times than not, it just makes me feel lousy. I’m actually helped more by choosing to be grateful for what I AM doing, or trying to do--as small and incomplete and unimpressive and tentative as it might feel. I’m helped more by being grateful that I even have a desire to do or be more in alignment with my True Self and my soul’s deepest desires.
And that’s really the point—should is almost always the enemy of gratitude and grace.
So thanks Brennan Manning for the 11th Commandment. Let's all do our best to stopping shoulding on ourselves. Or on others.
You should all be in church this Sunday! 😊
Pastor B
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