November 1, 2023

Quote of the Week:

“Life is a balance of holding on and letting go.”

– Rumi

Detachment, as defined by our friend, Dr. Google, asserts that, "the lack of emotion or personal interest...indifference...aloofness." Yet, what about healthy detachment? As in, the ability to respond, unconditionally, to wants and needs not always sensitively expressed? The ability to avoid taking personally the behavior and demands of others.

As family caregivers, we tend to identify with none of the above, in fact we, ourselves, if anything experience just the opposite; we DO care! There is total personal interest in our loved ones' well being. Aloofness? Oh, now! If anything, we care too much! And react accordingly. That is the dilemma. Unless you are a Zen master, or a sociopath, detachment can be difficult. Healthy attachment, in adult relationships, functions as a giving and receiving of care and support within interpersonal attitudes, needs, expectations, and coping strategies. When there is a healthy, workable balance in relationships, the attachment is symbiotic.

Enter dementia, or cognitive/physical decline. The workable balance gradually becomes unbalanced....communication and differing unmet needs upset the homeostasis, the ground of being, that enabled the relationship to function as a source of mutual benefit and connection. The need for a kind of detachment becomes increasingly necessary as our loved ones evidence increasing mental decline with a breakdown in clear, understandable back-and-forth communication.

We begin experiencing discord, hurt feelings, decreasing sense of connection brought on by careless comments and attitudes. We find our feelings often dismissed, our needs ignored or nonexistent. Gradually, we see ourselves beholden to a person increasingly less recognizable; with diminishing capacity to care for themselves, while at the same time, increasingly demanding of our time and attention. The needs and fractured realities now become at the forefront for a loved one who is progressively becoming a stranger, and not always a pleasant one, at that.

What does one do when logic, "common sense", "reality", and being "right" are no longer effective when discord is present? When "reason" is no longer mutually reasonable? When, as caregivers, frustration, anxiety, anger, hopelessness, discord replace previously amiable coexistence? When we come to realize that we can't control others' behaviors, actions, or realities, only our own response. Without a clear understanding of "can't" vs "won't" on the part of our loved ones, we can easily slip into "react" rather than detached "response." Detachment involves setting serious boundaries in your interactions with your dependent loved ones, not allowing your loved one's behavior to control your own.

Detachment is imperative from the torments of hurt feelings and miscommunication, of outbursts aimed at us, (but not really) from misunderstandings. The loss of the previous, compatible relationship wearing on he mind and psyche with painful, exasperating regularity.  How? And most importantly, why?

"Why" is easy! We want, deserve, a life free from intermittent emotional and mental upheaval. We want the resumption, at any level, of previous compatibility. We want whatever situation we find ourselves in to be at least manageable with strategies to make that happen.

"How", qualifies as a learned skill, one that requires practice, patience, and perseverance...all while working at not taking it personally. As with any learning process, we must accept that we win some, we lose some, but we get better with practice.

Here are a few tips when faced with caregiving challenges and upsets:

When faced with resistance or negative behavior:

1. Practice being agreeable and nonreactive, remembering that it's "can't", not "won't" powering their present reality.
2. Be patient with accusations and blaming, knowing it most always comes from a place of fear with a loss of a sense of personal power, control, and agency.
3. Perseverance in remaining calm and remembering to breathe....deeply. If you can, remove yourself until you can gain composure, knowing you are doing the best you can, in that moment.
4. Personal; it's never personal. Reactions and accusations can be hurtful, unfair, and uncalled for... but the real pain comes when we erroneously take it personally.

DETACHMENT FOSTERS RESILIENCY AS AN ACT OF LETTING GO!

Our aim is to be proactive, rather than reactive. 

Taking a time out can support this important process. 

Breathe deeply, relax, and refresh before reengaging.

Keep a journal, note your progress as you practice detachment. 

Reward yourself for your efforts, share with a trusted friend. 

You are embarking on a new way of being that can enhance your ability to handle life's challenges with grace powered by an enhanced awareness of self empowerment.

Karen Kelleher MA

Email: [email protected]

Contact: 510-542-0912

Together, we can make a meaningful difference in the lives of elders 

and the caregivers who selflessly support them.

DayBreak is committed to offering essential support to elders and caregivers navigating diverse difficulties. If you know a senior in need of our care and coordination services, or if you're aware of a caregiver seeking assistance, encourage them to reach out to us at:

510-834-8314