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I can’t remember a time I didn’t believe. As a child I knew the Spirit of God was in me and around me. Regardless of the pain, trauma and hurdles I encountered as a child and young adult there was always that Spirit, the music – God was with me. Music became my constant connection to the Holy One. When I sang, I could feel the Spirit flow through me. When I listened, I’d forget my thoughts so moved by what I could hear…God was speaking.
Then in 2011 the love of my life, my husband of 35 years, was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer. He fought valiantly through chemo therapy, never to complain and always a smile when others visited. Through his illness God walked with us, the Spirit still flowed through music and we knew we were never alone. Lynn lost his battle in 2013. I sang at his memorial per his request, and as the last note faded away my world suddenly went dark, the music left, and I felt as if my soul turned to dust. For the first time, I couldn’t connect to the Holy One. “Where was the music…where are you God?”
For 10 years my life became one hurdle after another that left no time to be quiet, to grieve, and to reflect. I had to be strong for the family, or so I thought. So, the mask would go on each morning, and busy days would help me bury my broken heart ignoring everything around me. When my health began to fail, I chose to retire.
At first it was hard not to have work to cling to. Slowly, I began to journal. I would sit quietly, breathe, read, listen and with time the darkness began to lighten. Then with God’s mercy the music returned. I felt the pull of the Spirit, it was time to let go and allow my soul to soar and trust God was there.
I don’t know how or why it took so many years for the music to begin again. I thought my connection was broken. Instead, as I looked back over my life the Spirit was present in all the gentle souls who walked beside me in the darkness. I think perhaps I needed to rest, to slow down and trust that in God’s time, when I was ready, the music would return and fill my once dry soul again. “So Let Go My Soul and Trust in God”
Denise Ritthaler
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