In our continuing efforts to help members cope with the stress of the recent hurricanes, shootings and other catastrophes, we present another in a series of articles from counselor Daria Todor, ACSW, LCSW-C, MAC. Should you feel the need to speak with a trained professional, our hotline number is always open at 877-884-6227. All calls are strictly confidential
_______________________________________________
Early in my career, I spoke with a client who had lost her mother a few days before her first session with me. She was new to her job so did not have enough time accrued to take more than the three days allotted for bereavement leave. She was fine with that, saying it was quite good to be back at work so that she constantly didn't have to feel her pain.
Work became her therapy. It gave her a sense of mission and connection with others who understood. People often stopped and asked her how she was doing and followed her lead when she didn't feel up to sharing. "People are really nice and supportive here," she kept telling me. We worked for a hospital where I served as their in-house counselor, so yes, it was a caring place.
She shared that the main reason she came in was to make sure that she "wasn't going crazy or something." When asked why she thought she might be, she responded, "My husband told me there must be something wrong with me because my mother was 'dead and buried and that I should be over it already'." Mind you, this was her first day back after her mom`s funeral.
She explained that she took to crying often and felt unable to cope some days, so much so that she couldn't cook meals or keep the house tidy the way she'd like. She added that her husband did not know how to cook and did not believe it was his place to clean the house or help with other domestic duties, expecting her to do it all even though both worked full time outside the house. Normally she did not mind taking on the lion's share of these domestic duties, saying it was her way of expressing love for her family. Now, however, she felt guilty. She no longer was able to do them. "What is wrong with me? He is so angry with me but I just can`t do it right now!"
Her assessment showed a mild level of depression normal for such an early stage of loss. She was not suicidal, could get up and ready for work and said she was able to do her job just fine. I explained that loss and trauma are energy zappers and that rather than worrying about what was wrong with her, to instead focus on how to enlist the aid of her husband so that she would feel supported, not drained.
"So there`s nothing wrong with me?" she asked, sounding relieved. "Nope, not a thing. It is perfectly normal to not be able to do things after we lose a loved one. And what's more, it is normal for a lot of things to be different and out of sorts. It sounds like your hubby may not be used to seeing you this vulnerable and it may scare him." She agreed. "He keeps telling me that I am his rock, so yes, that is probably it." She was able to talk with him about what was going on, sharing the "Stages of Grief and Loss' handout I provided and asked him to help." He even started cooking some easy foods!" she shared.
Trauma, grief and loss disrupt normal everyday feelings, thoughts and behaviors for many. Happy-go-lucky people all of a sudden lose their cool, snap at others, lose their patience. Others withdraw through oversleeping, over drinking or zoning out in front of the TV or computer. It makes sense that these things occur because it is our way of saying to others, "I'm overloaded so don't place any more demands on me!"" Our normal coping systems are sending out these responses and are often outside of our awareness, so when we snap at a loved one, we are just as surprised as they are. Things do return to normal eventually. Some traumas are short-lived.
Deeper traumas may drive others into longer-lasting despair. A colleague shared the other day that her spouse was in the Pentagon when it was hit by a plane on 9/11. He survived, but she said, "I lost my husband for a while. He was there but wasn't there, if you know what I mean. He withdrew from me. He had seen and experienced some horrible things and got PTSD. Certain smells and sounds would send him into a panic, and each year at the anniversary (of the attacks), he would shut down completely. He had to go on medications.
"It was hard on all of us. I raised my girls without much input from him for a few years because of his not being able to help much. He did get better eventually." She grew tearful as she shared their experience. I had not known any of this and was deeply moved by the story. "Look at how long ago that was," she said. "This was the first year where I decided not to ask anything about how he was doing on the anniversary. Later that evening he asked me why I had not and I said, 'I decided that I would try and see if you would bring it up first because my thought was that if you seemed okay, I did not want to ruin your day.` He was okay and it was okay that I did not mention it first. It was a turning point for us, but boy it took a long time."
The saying, "There is a season . . ." comes in handy here. Those of you who are suffering have entered into a different type of time zone of sorts, a new season. Normal, chronological time is linear and used to measure our lives under typical circumstances. Traumatic events including death of loved ones, and surviving catastrophes and violent events are not typical. So the rules kind of go out the window of our lives. Instead, we enter a healing zone where even the passage of time seems different.
The best recommendation I can give anyone who has experienced something terrible like many of you have is to allow yourselves first and foremost to honor your own timetable for healing, and set boundaries and rules for others to follow. Listen to your body and mind-they will tell you what you need. The grieving client mentioned earlier first needed to understand there was nothing wrong with her. Grief became her other full time job for a while, as most other things took a backseat. Once she set boundaries with her family-by saying no to some commitments and duties-and communicated her needs, things started to change for the better. The same will be true for you.
We are approaching the fast-paced, expectation-filled holiday season. I'll be writing on the topic of coping with holiday stress soon. In the meanwhile, start making a list-not of who has been naughty or nice-but of what you can and want to do, what you need from others, while you heal. Then when you feel up to it, share those needs. I can walk you through how to do this if you need such help. I am here, 24/7, at 877-884-6227, if you need assistance. - Daria
