Spiritual Transformation
Tia Pinney
Over 30 years ago I took part in a group led by our then associate pastor, Vicky Guest. I can’t remember the focus of the group but during one meeting Vicky led us on a guided meditation to meet Jesus. During the journey I found myself on the jetty in front of my grandmother’s Cape house and I realized there was a person sitting at the very end of the rocks which had always been my spot to sit and look out at Nantucket Sound and contemplate the world and my place in it. When I got to the end, I realized it was Jesus wearing my father’s green plaid woolen work shirt that I had worn to rags after he died. He turned and looked back at me, said “You are a good person.” and was gone.
I did not share my encounter with the group. I dismissed it as a product of my imagination. As a transformative life event it would seem pretty underwhelming until we consider my back story.
I have struggled with clinical depression all of my life. I have had numerous therapists from high school onward, took medication for decades, and was even hospitalized for several weeks. The thing about depression is that while I outwardly functioned as a normal person my whole being was in agony. When depressed every day is an exhausting battle against being overwhelmed by feelings of hopelessness and self-loathing. Though undiagnosed until I was in my 30’s it must have started when I was a child as I don’t remember a time before. I knew I was not the same as other people; that I was an imposter; an incompetent failure masquerading as a useful, even successful human being.
Then I had Jesus tell me I was a good person. I dismissed it for years as I knew no one was as inept and worthless as I was. But as I worked through my disease with the help of meds and therapists and found my way out I kept coming back to that moment. Obviously, I created the setting – the jetty and my father’s shirt – but the simple affirmation was something I never would have voiced. I didn’t know it then but I was transformed in that moment. I couldn’t dismiss it or forget it or argue it away no matter how hard I tried. Such a simple sentiment but absolutely profound to someone whose own feelings couldn’t be trusted. Having been free of a major depressive episode for many years now, I know that moment helped save my life and continues to do so.
Click HERE to watch a video of this story from this past Sunday's worship service.
