Week 13
The Concept
"Making Life More Wonderful with Requests"
Over the past few months we've been developing our awareness of "the parallel universe" of feelings and needs. It is this "needs awareness" that brings us to a state of "compassionate understanding", for others and for ourselves. From this awareness, or state of compassionate understanding, we are able to move to action in a more connected and constructive way.
Requests are how we connect our needs awareness to our actions (strategies). Simply put, requests are designed to make life more wonderful for everyone.
What Are Requests?
In the realm of compassionate thought and action, requests are the way we relate to others and to ourselves, to create change in our lives in full consideration of our needs and the needs of others. I call it "Needs-Based Relating. Big stuff.
For the purposes of this course, we are going to be very specific about the characteristics of a compassionate request.
Doable
A compassionate request is doable. In other words, a request would NOT be to "stop" doing something, it would be to do something. Why? Since we know that EVERYTHING we do, we do to meet a need, and needs are the impulses of life, asking someone to simply "stop" doing something is the equivalent of asking them to stop living their life. Not connecting.
In the alternative, if we ask people to meet their needs in a new way that might also contribute to our needs, we increase the chances of having a life-serving, connected interaction. In this alternative way, others get to keep on meeting their needs and we can have more needs met. This is also how we can increase the likelihood that when we attempt to meet our needs with others, it is not at the expense of their needs. I know for me, that helps me keep on being who I want to be, all while creating a world I want to live in.
Specific
A compassionate request is specific. "Honey, will you please talk to me like you love me?" Yikes! How do you do that? Even if I wanted to undertake that endeavor, I really might not have a clue what that would look like to them.
I have noticed that people are usually quite willing to contribute to me if it is not at their expense. The thing is, it reeeeeally helps when they know specifically what that looks like.
For example, "Honey, I'm noticing I'm getting really tense right now. Could we take a two-minute time-out and check the needs sheet on the fridge and talk about what comes up?"
Now
A compassionate request is something that can be done in the "Now". So a compassionate request would not likely sound like, "Would you keep your room clean from now on?" Realistically, can anyone say "yes" to that and know it's going to happen? Probably not.
A compassionate request is more likely to sound like, "Could you tell me what's going on for you when I ask you to clean your room?" That's something that can be done "right now", plus, it's doable and specific.
Needs
A compassionate request refers to a need. In my experience, people are more likely to want to contribute to me if they know how it is they are contributing to me (my needs). The more information they have about my needs, the more able they are to make an informed decision. For example, if I say, "Could you tell me what you just heard me say?" this could easily be construed as a "test". I know it was when I asked my children that. However, if I say, "This is really important to me and I want to be sure I've been clear and we're on the same page. Could you tell me what you heard me say?" that is likely to create a different, more connecting experience.
Willing to Hear No
Hearing and accepting "no" allows us to live in a different kind of world, where people do things because they want to. We can help create this world of "voluntary living" while continually creating a more and more wonderful life for ourselves and others - if we are willing to hear no.
Liberation from Strategy Scarcity
Hearing no can be really difficult if I have only one or two strategies in my mind. It can seem as though my need will never be met if I hear "no". In this situation, fear or hopelessness can set in.
When our awareness is on our "need", not our "strategy", we can hear "no" without worrying that our need will not be met. Why? There are 10,000 ways to meet any need. That is the liberation we can experience by having "needs awareness". For example, when we're focused on one or two strategies, in our minds we see only these limited choices. When we think in terms of needs, a world of opportunity opens to us. A world where we can hear "no" without it meaning our needs will not be met.
Honoring the Needs of Others
Additionally, in compassionate requesting, we understand that when someone says "no", it means they are saying "yes" to their needs. Remember, anything anyone does, can be seen as an attempt to meet needs - including saying "no".
By hearing "no" from this perspective of needs, we have a greater ability to honor other people's needs, as we pursue the fulfillment of our own.
The Path of Requesting
We all know what it's like when someone "has a plan for us" to do something - not a connecting experience. And we all know the pain of really wanting someone to do something they may not want to do - no fun either. Requesting changes all that.
Creating requests absolutely requires an awareness of needs (versus what we want someone to do). If we believe we "need someone to..." we would likely be served by receiving more empathy to get into the awareness of our needs and the 10,000 strategies available to us, and get out of the thought that any person's actions are a "need" of ours.
Not easy - and yet, doable.
A lot more to come about requests, as The Compassion Course continues...
