It is this process of "translating" that makes it useful to welcome our judgments. Remember, if we think we shouldn't think judgmental thoughts, we will suppress them and lose the valuable information we need to unpack and discover what these judgments are telling us (even though it is in an unusable form at first). Suppressing our judgments would be like taking a rough diamond and throwing it away, thinking, "This is useless".
This is probably a good time to remind ourselves that "welcoming" is different than "sharing". I cannot remember a single instance when sharing my judgments about someone with them brought us closer together. Imagine saying to someone, "Hey, can we talk about how lazy you are?" It just doesn't work. If I can translate that judgment thought (lazy) into needs, that is something I can share while staying in connection. Now imagine saying to someone, "Hey, I was thinking I would really love to have more partnership and flow between us. Would you be up for talking about that?" More connecting, right?
I also find it incredibly helpful to remember that my judgments are not "the truth". They are simply an outcry from a part of me that is in pain and cannot express that pain clearly or without blame. For many of us, it is easier and more familiar to judge or be angry than it is to feel our pain.
Compassionate living comes from the understanding that it is more connecting to be sad or curious than it is to be angry. This is a choice.
Two - Feel Our Feelings Fully
As we have discussed before, our feelings have the potential to be our "guides" or "messengers" telling us about our lives. I have noticed that the more I feel my feelings, the more insight I get about what I really want in this life of mine.
My feelings come from within me and are a direct result of how well my needs are doing - how my life is going. Many of us have learned to suppress or ignore our feelings (see Week 3). Some of us judge them or judge ourselves for having them. So it can be difficult to return to this simple practice of "feeling".
At first, we can work to get to a place where we acknowledge them and feel them. After that, we can learn to stay with them, to go deeply into them - not wallowing in them, but learning from them, being moved by them. This is a practice I will continue to develop for the rest of my life, giving me deeper insight into my needs - into my life.
Three - Fully Connect to Our Needs
As you may remember from Week 4, needs can be seen as the impulses of life and, in a way, as life itself. Yet much like the wind, we don't ever see these energies. We only experience them and see their effects. We can only feel the wind on our skin. We can only see it moving the leaves in the trees.
So how can we connect to life-energy? We can notice and remember our experience of it. We can think about the importance it holds for us and the role it has played and continues to play in our lives. We can see life-energy as separate from the ways it manifests - and at the same time, celebrate and notice it. Feelings and needs are not the leaves. They are the wind.
Below, in this week's practices, is a meditation you can use to develop your relationship with needs. I do this meditation often, with many different needs, and it continues to deepen my understanding of them and my connection to them.
Being Your Own Best Friend
What makes for a "wonderful friend"? For me, it is someone who provides the space and acceptance for me to vent my judgments (without being judged for it) - a person who can see, understand and allow my feelings, and who understands my needs deeply and without reservation. That can be me .
More to come, as the Compassion Course continues...
