Week 15
The Concept
"Noticing and Increasing the Quality of Connection"
More About Requests
Many of us think about requests in terms asking to "get things done" or "action requests". And indeed, this kind of request is a key to having a more wonderful and compassionate life. That said, there is another form of requesting that enables us to make more life-serving and effective "action requests" - I call them "connection requests".
What Is Connection Anyway?
We can think of "connection" between two or more people as the concurrent existence of four conditions.
1) I understand and can articulate my feelings and needs.
2) The other person(s) understand(s) and can articulate my feelings and needs.
3) The other person(s) understand(s) and can articulate their own feelings and needs.
4) I understand and can articulate the feelings and needs of the other person(s).
Time after time, I have witnessed that when these four conditions exist, compassion flourishes. There is something beautiful, almost magical, that occurs when this breadth of understanding occurs.
So having the awareness and skill to bring about these four conditions is incredibly empowering when we want to move from a "disconnected state" to a "connected state." That's where "connection requests" come in.
What Is a Connection Request?
A connection request is a request that is intended to increase the quality of our connection with others (and sometimes even ourselves). After all, how compassionate can we be when we are discussing things or asking for things from people when we don't know about their needs and they don't know about ours? In order to have a clearer understanding, we can use connection requests to increase our awareness.
We can look at the "quality of connection" as existing in levels. We can use connection requests to move us through each level, until we have reached a state that we can call "full connection".
Level Zero
Level zero is when we find out if the person we want to connect with has any interest in speaking with us or hearing what we have to say. This may sound like, "I'm wondering, would you be up for talking about dinner?" After all, speaking to someone that doesn't want to listen is like pushing on a string. It's bound to go nowhere.
Level One
Once we are in agreement to speak, level one starts with one person hearing what another person said. We can find out if someone has heard what we said by asking for a reflection. This might sound like, "I want to be sure I've been clear - would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say?" After all, if the person who is "listening" didn't hear what we actually said, how much connection can we have? My guess is little to none. The surprising thing about this for me, is how often we think someone heard what we said when, in fact, they absolutely didn't. If you start checking this out for yourself, I suspect you will be surprised.
I recall the day I found out about this idea some years ago. I immediately started asking my children if they would be willing to tell me what they heard me say. 80% of the time I got the same response - "Could you say that again Dad?" I remember coming to the the shocking realization that my kids probably didn't hear 80% of what I had said to them for the past 16 years! It kind of explained a lot (wry smile).
Level Two
After we are comfortable that the other person has actually heard what we said, we can begin to understand what is alive in them, now that they really did hear us.
A level two connection request might sound like "Thank you for hearing me. I'm curious, would you be willing to tell me what's going on for you, now that you've heard what I just said?" This is where it makes all the difference if we can find out about feelings and needs - not just the words.
Level Three
Level three is when we make sure we understand what was expressed during level two. That might sound like, "I'd like to be sure I understand you. May I reflect that to you to be sure?" Or "So I think I'm hearing _______." Is that accurate?" If you get a "no" at this point, go back to level two. If we get a "Yes" we are ready to continue..
I also find it helpful for me if I can reflect what someone has said, especially if I notice I'm feeling stimulated or starting to lose my focus. Reflecting helps bring me back to presence.
Level Four
Level four completes the initial cycle of a dialog. It is when we share what is going on for us, now that we have heard what the other person is feeling and needing, after they heard us.
That might sound like, "I'm wondering if you have some room to hear what's going on for me, now that I understand what's going on for you." This cycle of understanding can continue through level five, six, seven and more, until we reach that place we call "connection" or "compassionate understanding" or "needs awareness".
Ultimately, when we become proficient in this skill of slowing down, reflecting, asking for reflection and increasing our connection with others, we will find ourselves in fewer fights and more dialogs. It is a way to engage in conflict while keeping our compassion intact.
It's also the way we lay the ground work for action requests. I have experienced over and over again, in this state of "connection" and compassionate understanding, action requests seem to fall from the heavens.
And yes, this is very challenging and it calls on us to be able to self-empathize, empathize, slow down, self-empathize some more, empathize some more and so on - until we are done. The thing is - it works.
More to come, as the Compassion Course continues...
