Week 16
The Concept
"Saying 'No' with Compassion - Creating Life-Serving Boundaries"
I used to think that if I refused to do something, I could be somehow making a demand of someone else. Today I think of it as creating a boundary for myself.
What Is a Boundary?
A boundary is when we say "no" regarding what we are willing or not willing to do (ideally, based on an awareness of our needs). I remember some years back, I was starting to get into a heated discussion with my partner. At one point, it occurred to me that I wanted some space to center myself or the "discussion" was going to become a "fight".
So I said, "You know, Barb, I need to take a break here." To this she replied, "That's a demand! Because of you, now I can't talk about this." I was puzzled for a moment or two, questioning myself. Was I making a demand? Then it occurred to me, I was setting a boundary.
The difference was that I was not saying what Barb could or couldn't do. I was only dealing with my own actions. This concept started to unravel an idea that I had carried with me most of my life: the idea that I was responsible to do something I really didn't want to do, simply because someone else wanted me to.
So with a new sense of self-connection and understanding, I replied: "If you want to talk about it, go right ahead. I'm going for a walk."
My point was clear. I was going to be in charge of me - and for that matter, only me. And if I was going to do anything with or for anyone, I would really prefer that it be because I "want to", not because I "should".
This turned out to be a benchmark in my integration of compassionate living. I realized that by taking care of myself in this way, I was more empowered to be the person I "wanted" to be as opposed to the person I thought I "should" be. When I did things out of "should", I almost always felt resentment and pain - and certainly, my heart wasn't in it. It was disconnecting.
Now I have learned to do things because I "want to". This helps me maintain and act on my self-connection and keeps me more able to be compassionate toward myself and others.
I have expanded this way of living to how I accept support from others as well. It has become clear to me that I don't want anyone else to be doing things that they don't want to either. This act of creating and accepting boundaries continues to change the quality of my life. Much like requests, it empowers me to live in a "voluntary world", where people (including me) do what we do from our hearts.
What Is a Demand?
A demand is when we want someone to do something, without awareness or consideration of their needs. Unlike requests and boundaries, demands don't consider people's need for choice equally.
As we discussed a few weeks back, I really do want to be able to hear "no", if I want to stay in connection and respect others needs. Likewise, I want to be able to say "no", so I can have choice and self-expression. Again, if I say "yes" when my heart is saying "no", I will ultimately be resentful and disconnected.
So now I have learned to create and respect boundaries - not just for me, but for the world - to create a world where people act from their hearts.
How Do We Say "No" Compassionately?
Since my first "aha moment" back with Barb, I have learned to say "no" in ways that increase (not guarantee) the odds of a more connected "no".
These days, in a similar situation, I'm more likely to say something like, "I'm noticing I'm feeling really frustrated and agitated, and I can't imagine I'm going to talk to you in a way either one of us will like. I'm going to take a walk and gather myself so we can really connect later."
Notice in the quote above, I didn't ask. I explained. If I ask, I could be setting myself up to do exactly what I don't want. If I explain, a clear, yet loving boundary is set.
More to come, as the Compassion Course continues...
