Week 20
The Concept
"Scary Honesty"
Creating a New Level of Connection
Scary honesty is when we tell someone what is really going on for us, even though we are afraid of how they might react. You could say it's a way of being courageous in our desire and actions to create a deeper connection with someone.
This form of honesty may show up as an interruption, or a question, or a statement about something that is going on inside us. It is ALWAYS intended to create a deeper, more compassionate, more connected relationship.
Have you ever been in a conversation where the other person was going on and on about something that you really didn't care about and yet you kept listening anyway? Have you ever been in a conversation when someone has said something that offends your values and yet you kept quiet, letting it pass nonetheless? Have you ever said "yes" to someone because you were too uncomfortable to say "no", even though you really wanted to say "no"? Have you ever eaten something you didn't like for fear of offending your host? Most of us have. And do you recall these experiences being connecting or disconnecting? I know for me they are often painfully disconnecting, particularly when it is with someone I care about or want to be close to.
Scary honesty is something I can use when I'm conflicted, wanting ease and harmony and yet, also wanting to have shared understanding or connection.
Scary honesty is a way for me to try for a more authentic interaction at the risk of some conflict.
How Do We Express Scary Honesty?
Scary honesty calls on us to be centered in needs and our intention. Are we wanting to "correct" or "connect"? Are we intending our expression to bring us closer to another person or is it to "be right"?
Are we self-connected enough to speak about ourselves and our feelings and needs, or are we thinking in terms of judgment about what others are doing or saying?
Scary honesty calls on us to self-empathize to the point where we are clearly centered in our own feelings and needs - and are really clear that we are looking for connection and that we can speak from that place.
Scary honesty does not sound like, "When I hear you say 'those people', it seems to me that you are being a bigot."
It might sound like, "When I hear you say 'those people', I notice I have a reaction. I think my reaction is because I like to think we are all basically the same, a single human family. That said, I'm conflicted about bringing this up because I don't want to offend you. At the same time I value our connection and would love to be honest with you."
Scary honesty does not sound like, "Sure, I'd love to go out tonight."
It might sound like, "Wow, I'm really conflicted. I've been hoping you would ask and we could spend some quality time together. At the same time, I know I have to get up crazy early tomorrow morning and tonight just doesn't make sense for me. Could we go another night?"
When we don't share what is really going on for us, we are more likely to experience distance or disconnection from others. When we do share our true feelings and needs, it gives us the chance to live a more connected, compassionate life.
It's an Option, Not a "Should"
Just because I can be more honest and open, that doesn't mean I "should" be. I like knowing I have the option to self-empathize and create a deeper connection, even if faced with the possibility of conflict, when I want to. It doesn't mean I'm going to "work it out" with every bus driver, customer service rep or cashier - or when I am exhausted or upset. However, when I do genuinely want more connection and understanding with a friend, or my father, or my partner, being able to express scary honesty gives me that option.
More to come, as the Compassion Course continues...
