Week 22
The Concept
"The Power of Thanks"
More About Appreciation
"The greatest of all gifts is the power to estimate things at their true worth." - François de la Rochefoucauld
Appreciation versus Praise
As a child, I grew up hearing expressions like "good boy" or "nice job". These expressions of "approval" were often nice to hear and yet, often left me wondering. What was "nice" about that? It also left me a bit nervous. Does that mean I might not be "good" if I do something else?
These were the instructions I received on how to be a human. It was the "praise" I received from the "people in charge". From this "praise" I learned that certain behaviors earned me the label of "good". They also reminded me that I might lose that label if the "people in charge" decided my behavior wasn't "good".
I have come to realize that many of the expressions of "praise" that I have received were often designed to get me to "behave". Others were designed to let me know that someone appreciated my actions and was grateful for what I did.
The second category felt different. These expressions touched me in a way that felt connecting and clear. These are the ones I want to understand and be part of. They were not "praise" - they were "appreciation".
Living in Appreciation
Using the skills we have learned in this course so far, we can experience a deeper, more satisfying experience of appreciation. Also, as we discussed just last week, through language, we can share that experience with others.
Inside myself, I can use the skills of feeling feelings and connecting them to my met needs, to notice the copious amounts of "metness" I am experiencing throughout my day. Right now, as I write these words, my brain is having thoughts, translating them into words, organizing them into sentences, helping my body type them into the message you are reading and helping me share this with you... Self-expression, mmmmmmm. All this while I am sitting in my office, which is clearly 30 degrees warmer than it is outside, while I'm fully clothed, while I'm fully rested, while my heart is pumping life through my body, while my lungs are bringing me fresh air, while the trees are helping make that fresh air, while this big blue ball of water, earth and life spins in space, while the sun gives us warmth and light... Comfort, security, care, well-being, peace of mind, communion... that's what I'm talkin' about! I can notice this. I can feel this; I can see that there are thousands of things happening that are contributing to the "metness" of my needs. I could go on. - and I will (although I'll stop for now so I can get back to writing - heheheh). Simply summarized, the practice of appreciation makes my life and the lives of those around me more wonderful.
Receiving Appreciation
Some years ago, my partner and I had developed a practice of taking a few moments each day to share our appreciation for how we contribute to each other. In the beginning, it was a bit uncomfortable for me. After some self-empathy, I realized it was because when I was growing up, appreciation had usually come with some sense of "approval" and "power over" and even engendered anxiety.
With some practice I learned to receive appreciation like "a shower", as opposed to "sustenance". Appreciation from others has become something that adds to my life, not something I depend on to feel OK about myself. This shift gives me a very different experience, one that is more choiceful and gratifying.
I have also noticed that instead of only thinking about the things that we did, or that we do, when we specifically think about the needs that we contribute to for one another through our actions, our experience is even deeper and more satisfying.