Week 23
The 2020 Compassion Course Online
|
|
|
|
Founder and Director of Education,
|
|
Week 23
The Concept
"Apologies Versus Restoration"
There's a difference between doing something 'wrong' and doing something we regret.
During my trainings, people often ask what role "forgiveness" plays in compassionate living. The answer is always the same. We don't have to forgive someone who hasn't done anything wrong. Without "wrongness" or blame or judgment in the picture, we are more able to focus on understanding and seeing if there is a way to restore our connection.
Wrong vs. Regret
Throughout this course, we have learned that we can see all actions as an attempt to meet needs, even actions we find objectionable (see Week 1, link can be found below in the 'Previous Weeks' section). We have also learned that needs can be seen as a driving force behind all judgments, and that we can focus on those needs as opposed to the judgments they spawn (see Week 8). In this "needs awareness" we are more likely to stay connected, or get back to a connected state, even when people do things we don't like (including ourselves).
We can use this way of thinking to bring focus to what we are wanting to experience, as opposed to what the other person has done wrong. This, in turn, increases the chances of making compassionate requests and creating a more connected life in the future.
We can think this way about our own actions as well (see Week 14). When I see myself as "wrong", my focus and awareness is disconnected from my life energy (needs) and way more connected to my habitual thoughts and judgments.
Over time, with practice, I have learned to see that when I do things that I judge as wrong, it's because I didn't meet my own needs. By relating to myself on this "needs level", I can more readily understand that I would like to have done something differently, as opposed to thinking I have done something "wrong". In other words, I can "regret" my actions without judging myself.
Compassion Turned Inward
In judgment, I become disconnected from myself and often experience shame and guilt. When I become aware of my needs, I can more readily focus on "restoring" connection as opposed to "beating myself up".
In "needs consciousness", I can more clearly see and understand that I was simply being human, trying to meet my needs. I can start to see my own actions in terms of "needs met, needs not met" - "worked, didn't work".
From this place of compassion for me, I can move toward others. I can express my regrets to them in a heartfelt, connecting way, as opposed to a self-critical and shameful way. I have also noticed again and again that, when I'm in "needs consciousness", I can more readily create a picture in my mind of what I would prefer to do in the future.
|
|
In Practice
"Kitchen Disconnect"
One day I noticed my partner had put my fine Japanese steel knife in our metal dish rack. When I saw it there I became very upset - OK, I freaked out. In my semi-panicked state I yelled out, "Knives don't go in the dish rack; you're going to ruin it!" From that moment I watched her go to surprise then to fear, then anger. She stepped away.
In that moment, it was clear to me things were not going well. I was angry, she was resentful - we were disconnected. I could have easily considered my actions to be "wrong". Earlier in my life, this would have brought on shame and guilt - I could have easily retreated to protect myself or worse, justified my actions by making her "wrong", thinking she "should" have known better. Instead, I noticed the disconnection and looked for a way to bring us back to our normal, more connected state.
With some inner exploration, it occurred to me that my actions reflected little to none of my value for care, harmony and for that matter, communication itself. I was acting in a way that was not in congruence with what I value.
It also occurred to me that I was in pain. I was thinking she knew about fine cutlery (shared understanding and care) and I was surprised and panicked about protecting my very expensive tool (financial security). Also, this particular knife was a gift from my sons, so it had a special meaning for me (care, love). In this "light", I could understand why I did what I did; I could have some compassion for myself. And without blame occupying my mind, I could also still understand that my response didn't meet my needs for harmony and partnership. So things changed a bit.
I spoke. "You know, when I just said that, it soooo didn't show my care for you or, for that matter how much I value our relationship. I wish I had said something else - certainly in a different way."
I waited... no defending, no explaining - simply a focus on my regret.
Silence... A reply. "Like what?"
"Like 'when I see metal knives go in metal dish racks, I worry that they'll get chipped.' Could we put them someplace else - like on a towel or in the knife rack?"
More silence. "OK."
I can easily imagine this interaction could have been much longer and much more painful. This time, because I was able to focus on needs (not blame), and my partner was able to see them too, things got back to their normal caring and loving state. Nobody wrong, everyone understood. Nice.
Much more to come, as the Compassion Course continues...
|
|
Practice(s) for the Week
Practice #1 - "Restoration Preparation"
Think of a situation where you said or did something you regretted and were unable to express yourself in a more connecting way. Perhaps you were feeling too scared or angry with yourself or the other person. Write down how you might say it now, in terms of your own unmet needs. The following steps may help.
1. Observation: Recall an occasion when you did or said something you wish you hadn't, the exact action or quote.
2. Acknowledge your judgments about what you said or did by bringing them out into the light: What are you saying to yourself? Examples: "I'm such an idiot", "I'll never get it", "Why can't I just think fast enough!". "I should have done X".
Note: We educate ourselves through guilt, shame and other less-than-fun tactics. We can notice this by our feelings of anger or guilt. Words we often use in the process of judging or shaming are almost always some form of "should" or "shouldn't". These words deny choice and disconnect us from ourselves.
3. Look beneath those judgments to see what need is at their root. What unmet need of yours is expressed by the judgment? [care consideration]. Also, what need(s) of yours went unmet by the way you behaved? [Examples: respect, connection, etc.]
4. Compassionate Mourning: Meditate on the energy of each need, not the absence of it, what it means to you, why it's so important to you, how you yearn to experience that. If you feel a sweet pain, that is you connecting with your need - pain stimulated by past actions which you now regret. Regret can help us learn from what we have done without blaming or hating ourselves.
5. Write down your what you might say. It might be, "When I (did, said etc.), I would have loved to have shown more __________ (ex. care, consideration, etc.) - I know that had an impact on you and so it's really important to me. Now that I understand this, I would like to deal with that differently in the future, in a way that is more in alignment with my values and creates more__________.
Depending on the situation, we may think about asking for a reflection or say something like, I'm wondering what goes on for you hearing this?
Practice #2 - "Restoration"
After completing Practice #1, consider contacting the other person through email or phone and share your words.
Note: Be prepared to empathize with the person's pain, if expressed. You may be tempted to defend or explain your actions. Chances are, your explanations won't be received (for now, that's between you and yourself).
Just empathize.
You may want to share your experience on one of our our Community Forums.
|
|
Additional Course Information and Resources
The password is: cco2020
- Previous Weeks
- How to Access the Monthly Conferences
- Conference Recordings
- Online Community
- Reference Pages & Exercises
Message Schedule
Every Wednesday, a new message is published via internet and email starting June 24th.
The course will last for 52 weeks, ending in June 2021.
|
|
Questions
Specific content questions will be answered in the conference calls.
If you have questions or need assistance with something else, please call (646) 201-9226 or email [email protected]
We may get more emails than we can handle at times so please be patient.
|
|
© Copyright Thom Bond 2020 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
