Week 38
The Concept
"Words and Thoughts That Fuel Anger and Deny Choice"
More about Should, Shouldn't, Should Have, Shouldn't Have, Have To, Need To
As we discussed in Week 33, anger can be seen as a combination of unmet needs and judgment thoughts. In creating a more compassionate life, I have found it is vital to recognize specific thoughts and words that take me off my path and disconnect me from myself and others.
I have learned that when I recognize these thoughts and words, I can look "underneath" them to the needs I am attempting to meet by thinking or saying them and get back to a more "life-connected", compassionate experience.
Of all the thoughts (and the words I associate with them), none have showed themselves to be more pervasive and create more challenge for me than "should" and "shouldn't" and their relatives, "should have", "shouldn't have", "have to" and "need to".
Fueling Anger
If disconnection and anger were fire, I would list these words as the most effective fuel I know of. When I think back on my most angry and disconnected moments, these words (or thoughts) were involved. And when these thoughts are replaced by an awareness of needs, anger becomes obsolete.
Ironically, it is easy to think that we "shouldn't" think should/shouldn't thoughts or use these words - that we "should" stop having these thoughts and using these words (see Week 8). As we have practiced before, instead of "shouldn'ting" about our "shouldn'ting", we can create a relationship with these thoughts that returns us to more life connection, a "wondering"... "What need am I trying to meet with this thought (or these thoughts)?" and "What is it this thought telling me about what I value?"
Over and over again, I find it is by returning to my awareness of needs that I create a chance to connect to my life energy and my compassion.
Denying Choice
In addition to fueling anger, "should/shouldn't" thinking can limit my access to choice. For example, if I think I "should exercise", exercise is not a conscious choice. You could say I become the pawn of my thought. Because my desires and needs are not likely in my awareness when I think I "should exercise", I can easily lose my inspiration and even become resentful.
When I check in with my needs regarding the thought I "should" exercise, I may find that I'm thinking I "should" as an attempt to meet my need for inspiration, for motivating myself. I may also realize that I want to motivate myself to exercise because I want to be healthier and have more energy. By "checking in" with myself, I can connect to my desire to have motivation and my desire for energy and health - to live an inspired, longer, more vital life.
I may also realize that exercise may NOT meet other needs, such as connection, community and ease, so I may want to consider these needs too.
By engaging in this inquiry, I transform my experience of "should exercise" to a clearer understanding of myself, thereby increasing my ability to make choices that work for me, based on my needs.
With more awareness, perhaps I'll realize that I would prefer to do something else to meet these needs, like hiking, or eating different food. I might come to realize that I want to join a community of like-hearted people in a class or club to help me stay inspired and connected. I can stay motivated through my connection to my needs and choose to exercise (a very different experience than exercising because I "should").
Our Challenge and Opportunity
Although it may appear that what I'm sharing here is simple and obvious, I have found that it is the pervasiveness of should/shouldn't thinking that presents the challenge.
The practice of noticing and translating should/shouldn't thoughts presents some of the greatest challenges and outcomes in the realm of compassionate thinking and living.
As a child, I was taught to do thousands of things because I should - and not do thousands of other things because I shouldn't - "say please and thank you", "finish the food on your plate", "do your homework", "go to school", "take your vitamins", "say your prayers", "keep your elbows off the table". The list is virtually endless.
I am particularly challenged in the examination of my should/shouldn't thinking because I find I am like a fish in water, constantly immersed in my should/shouldn't thoughts, and thereby, unaware of them.
As a person inspired to create a more compassionate existence, the process of recognizing and translating these thoughts will likely be ongoing until I die. Each discovery is an opportunity to look deeper into myself and choose my actions from a more "life-connected" perspective.
I am grateful for this, because as time passes, I can become more choiceful, compassionate and connected - and my life will continue to get even more wonderful.
