Week 4
The 2020 Compassion Course Online
Thom Bond - Japanese Maple
With Thom Bond

Founder and Director of Education,


Week 4

The Concept

"What's the Big Deal with Needs?"

When I was first developing my practice of compassion, I was amazed at how connected and understanding I could be when living in the awareness of needs. It was a bit of a shock, really. 

My practice of noticing needs gives me a way to see any other person as someone who is "just like me". Perhaps they're acting differently than I would choose to act. Perhaps they're doing something I don't like - yet ultimately, when I'm in "needs consciousness" I can find my way to a more compassionate view.

In my experience, when I am in this "state" or "field" of "compassionate understanding", I can dislike, even abhor, someone's actions without experiencing judgment or hatred toward them.

So one of the things we can do to create a more compassionate existence is to practice seeing needs.  Many of us have already had this experience in our practices from Weeks 1 to 3. It's a skill we will continue to develop throughout the course (and maybe the rest of our lives).

We can think of our awareness of needs as a foothold for compassion. As we develop our awareness, the foothold grows to a perch, to a resting place, to a field.

This week, I would like to share some ways to think about needs that have changed my life in wonderful ways.

NOTE:  I imagine it would be VERY helpful to have your  needs list  in front of you as you read this.

What Are Needs Really?

As I said earlier, I was amazed at this whole "need thing". So I pondered, trying to really wrap my head around what needs are and what function they have. I asked myself, "What do you call someone that has no needs?" My answer surprised me - "Dead". Think about it. Every living creature has needs. No needs, no life.

Pondering further, I asked, "Then what does that make needs?" My next answer was surprising still - "They are the impulses of life. They are the gift of life. They are how we conceive of this thing we are all going through called life ."

I imagine  that  is one of the reasons it is so profoundly connecting when we relate to ourselves and others through our feelings and needs. We are relating to life.

Needs As Being Universal

Needs are a thing we  all  have in common, as humans in particular - We are all having a human life. As I look at the  needs list , I can see that every need on there I have had met and would like to have met more. I suspect that is true for every one of us. Needs are universal - no matter what age, gender, culture, spiritual orientation or anything else about us - If you are a human, we have a lot in common :-)

Aren't There Good and Bad Needs?

In workshops folks sometimes ask about "inappropriate needs" or "irresponsible needs".

You could say that we don't really choose our needs - we are all born with them. So thinking in that way tends to disconnect us from them and ultimately ourselves and each other.

If you're looking to be "right" or to influence someone's behavior, seeing needs this way  could  serve you quite well. However, if you're looking to experience more compassion, understanding and connection, it probably won't help.

Needs Are Not Strategies

When we distinguish needs from the ways we try to fulfill them (strategies), we have more opportunities to engage in compassionate thinking and action.

My understanding of this difference between needs and strategies changes the way I see  every  conflict and in fact, every human act.

Here's a practice that may help you understand the difference. If you look on your  needs list , you will probably have a hard time finding the word "job" on there or "house" or "spouse". Now take a moment and see if you can find the needs on the list that are met by  having  a house or a job or a spouse. Cool, right?

Needs Don't Conflict, Strategies Do

When I focus on needs, instead of the strategies I might engage in to fulfill them, I can see things that I simply couldn't see before.

You could say that when we are in "strategy mode", we only have two choices - do the strategy or not. When we are in "needs mode", we have 10,000 strategies available to us to meet any need (maybe more).

More to come, as The Compassion Course continues...
In Practice

" The Riddle of the Smiths "

John and Mary Smith are getting home from work at the same time. As they walk in, John turns to Mary and, with his eyes half closed, says in a waning voice, "Honey, I just had the worst day at work and I need some space."

Hearing this, Mary moves toward her exhausted spouse. She wraps her arms around his limp arms and torso, rests her head on his shoulder and says, "Honey, that's so weird, because I  just had the worst day of work  ever  and I need some company. I gotta talk about this."

Do their needs conflict? 

Wait!

Before you answer, try this:

1) Write down what you think their respective needs are from the  needs list - his and hers.

2) Then, write down 3 ways they could each get those needs met - 3 for him - 3 for her. It helps to use your imagination a bit here.

The more I do this exercise, the more I am able to take the perspective that the Smiths needs are not in conflict. It's the strategy of having one another contribute to their needs,  at this point in time , that could be seen as the conflict.

Over and over again, I have witnessed, when we can see this distinction between Needs and Strategies we become empowered to think of many more ways to get our needs considered and addressed. It also empowers us to do the same for others. This is big stuff.
Practice(s) for the Week

Practice #1 - Read the  needs list .

Notice what comes up in you as you do this.

Practice #2 - Print a copy of the  needs list .

Then, along the left side of each need word, write down a rating on a scale of 1-10 in terms of how well it is met in your life. (1 = hardly met at all and 10 = very met).

Practice #3 - More Noticing Needs - Renew from Week 1

Keep a small journal with you throughout the day. Make 1 to 5 entries per day that include an act or words spoken by someone and what need(s) you imagine they were trying to meet. Remember, it's VERY helpful to limit the words you use to those on the  needs list .

Practice #4 - Liberation Exercise #2

Think of someone that you think is preventing you from getting a need met. Write down the need from the  needs list . Then, think of 3 ways you could get this need met without that person. It helps to use your imagination a bit here too. It might also be fun and inspiring to share your results on our Community Message Forum or Facebook page.
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