Week 4
The Concept
"What's the Big Deal with Needs?"
When I was first developing my practice of compassion, I was amazed at how connected and understanding I could be when living in the awareness of needs. It was a bit of a shock, really.
My practice of noticing needs gives me a way to see any other person as someone who is "just like me". Perhaps they're acting differently than I would choose to act. Perhaps they're doing something I don't like - yet ultimately, when I'm in "needs consciousness" I can find my way to a more compassionate view.
In my experience, when I am in this "state" or "field" of "compassionate understanding", I can dislike, even abhor, someone's actions without experiencing judgment or hatred toward them.
So one of the things we can do to create a more compassionate existence is to practice seeing needs.
Many of us have already had this experience in our practices from Weeks 1 to 3. It's a skill we will continue to develop throughout the course (and maybe the rest of our lives).
We can think of our awareness of needs as a foothold for compassion. As we develop our awareness, the foothold grows to a perch, to a resting place, to a field.
This week, I would like to share some ways to think about needs that have changed my life in wonderful ways.
NOTE:
I imagine it would be VERY helpful to have your
needs list
in front of you as you read this.
What Are Needs Really?
As I said earlier, I was amazed at this whole "need thing". So I pondered, trying to really wrap my head around what needs are and what function they have. I asked myself, "What do you call someone that has no needs?" My answer surprised me - "Dead". Think about it. Every living creature has needs. No needs, no life.
Pondering further, I asked, "Then what does that make needs?" My next answer was surprising still - "They are the impulses of life. They are the gift of life. They are how we conceive of this thing we are all going through called
life
."
I imagine
that
is one of the reasons it is so profoundly connecting when we relate to ourselves and others through our feelings and needs. We are relating to life.
Needs As Being Universal
Needs are a thing we
all
have in common, as humans in particular - We are all having a human life. As I look at the
needs list
, I can see that every need on there I have had met and would like to have met more. I suspect that is true for every one of us. Needs are universal - no matter what age, gender, culture, spiritual orientation or anything else about us - If you are a human, we have a lot in common :-)
Aren't There Good and Bad Needs?
In workshops folks sometimes ask about "inappropriate needs" or "irresponsible needs".
You could say that we don't really choose our needs - we are all born with them. So thinking in that way tends to disconnect us from them and ultimately ourselves and each other.
If you're looking to be "right" or to influence someone's behavior, seeing needs this way
could
serve you quite well. However, if you're looking to experience more compassion, understanding and connection, it probably won't help.
Needs Are Not Strategies
When we distinguish needs from the ways we try to fulfill them (strategies), we have more opportunities to engage in compassionate thinking and action.
My understanding of this difference between needs and strategies changes the way I see
every
conflict and in fact, every human act.
Here's a practice that may help you understand the difference. If you look on your
needs list
, you will probably have a hard time finding the word "job" on there or "house" or "spouse". Now take a moment and see if you can find the needs on the list that are met by
having
a house or a job or a spouse. Cool, right?
Needs Don't Conflict, Strategies Do
When I focus on needs, instead of the strategies I might engage in to fulfill them, I can see things that I simply couldn't see before.
You could say that when we are in "strategy mode", we only have two choices - do the strategy or not. When we are in "needs mode", we have 10,000 strategies available to us to meet any need (maybe more).
More to come, as The Compassion Course continues...