In Practice
"The Report Card"
Some years ago, as a parent of two teenage sons, I was often presented with challenges that I had never anticipated, let alone knew how to deal with. Many a time, I wished that my children had come with an instruction manual. Since they didn't, it was up to me to learn as I went. One of these learning experiences came in relation to my older son's grades.
Collin was in 10th grade when it became clear we had a problem. He was struggling in school. He was a straight "D" student, and I was quite scared and worried. My response to this situation was to create "structure" for him to follow for the coming marking periods. I created a regime that included a complex series of incentives, benchmarks, punishments and rewards.
As his father, I pulled out all the stops in my attempt to use my power over him. I was determined to "help" him get a better report card. I remember how at odds Collin and I had become during that period - the discipline, the resentment, the disconnection. I remember lamenting that this was simply part of being a parent, the cost of "doing what was right" for my child.
After a full marking period of this "grade improvement program" his new report card came. Collin's grades had gone from straight D's to straight D+'s. I was scared and confused at even higher levels now, not knowing what it would take for things to change.
By this time, I had been studying with my teacher, Marshall Rosenberg, for a little over a year. I was beginning to develop a respect for the guidance that we all have inside of us, yet often struggle to connect with - our feelings and needs. It seemed my "program" for my son was hardly working at all, as far as his grades were concerned. It was, however, having a tremendous effect on our relationship. We were seriously disconnected.
So I decided to try a new approach. I asked Collin to come into my office for a talk. With his new report card in hand, I spoke. "Collin, if you want good grades, get them. I'll do everything I can to support you. Just let me know. If you don't want good grades, don't get them. They're your grades. It's your choice. Our program is over. You can do whatever you want."
I remember the look of terror in his eyes as I finished speaking. I'm not sure if he was waiting for "the other shoe to drop" or if he was simply afraid of having the responsibility for his grades on his own shoulders.
The weeks passed, as our new arrangement was carried out. My curiosity was torturous as I left him to his own devices.
Finally, the next marking period ended and the new report card came. I was sitting at my desk when my obviously scared son came in to share the news. His grades had plummeted. His report card now included D's and F's.
As I read the report card I could feel my heart sinking. Panic began to rise in me. Then, just as I was about to reinstate the "old regime" in a fit of "power over", something happened. Some other words came from my mouth.
"Wow, it must really be horrible to get a report card like this." Collin, who was sitting on the floor in front of me, looked up and tears came to his eyes. As he began to cry, so did I.
It seemed that Collin's fate was at stake, and we both knew it. It was an experience I had never imagined could have happened so clearly and in such a connected way. My faith in "power with" had somehow transcended my moment of panic and somewhere inside me, I knew this was going to serve us.
During the coming weeks, I noticed a change in Collin's habits. He spent more time in his room doing his homework. He took time on the weekends to pay attention to his assignments. He even asked for help - and, over time, his grades improved. He had gotten in touch with his own power, his own connection to what he wanted - and it worked.
Two years later, Collin graduated an Honor Role student. And as pleased as I was about that, the deepest reward was knowing that we had given him access to his power and given us back our connection - one of the scariest and most valuable things I have ever done as a parent.
Note: I shared this story on a parenting Yahoo Group a few years back and two parents reported breakthroughs with their children - one about "brushing teeth" and the other about "potty training".
That said, I am not you, and I don't know if this will "work" in your situation. I am sharing this idea with the hope of giving you a greater sense of choice, if you want it.
