Week 47
The Concept
"A Compassionate View of Triggers"
As we develop and expand our relationship with feelings and needs, it can be confusing, if not confounding to understand some of the feelings we find ourselves experiencing. At times, the intensity with which we experience these feelings can seem to be "out of balance" or more intense than we expect. In these situations we can easily judge ourselves or others as being "too sensitive" or "over-reacting". Although we can think this way, there is an alternative that I have found to be more connecting, compassionate and, ultimately, more useful.
What Happens When We Experience a "Trigger"?
The term "trigger" is often used to describe events that set off intense feelings. It implies that there is something that has already been set up and is waiting to happen.
In the case of almost every trigger, what has already happened is that the unmet need we are experiencing has been profoundly and/or repeatedly unmet before in our lives, often during our younger years. - so much so, that we have established an intense "habitual" reaction when that need is unmet.
Compassion for the Robot
Back in Week 7 we discussed our "being" versus our "robot". Our "robot" is the part of us that operates from habit. When we are "triggered", we can think of this as our "robot" taking over and habitually reacting to our unmet need(s). That said, although these reactions may be habitual in their intensity, they are still related to needs. When we can understand that, we can have compassion for our experience (not discount it) and recognize our unmet need(s).
Working with Triggers
We can see triggers as containing two components. The first component is a thought or event. The second component is how we react or respond.
As we discussed earlier in the course, feelings are like messengers, telling us about or needs. In "triggering" situations the messenger is like a rock singer, belting out the message. Also, as we discussed, when we acknowledge the message, the messenger tends to calm down and eventually leaves.
Turning the Light On
When we are triggered, it can be hard to connect to the messenger, because it's hard to connect the message to the current event. For example, I used to get very upset when I got stuck in a long line at a store. I would often tell myself that I "shouldn't" be so upset. I would fight the feeling. That rarely turned out well.
Then, one day as I was standing in line, I asked myself: "What needs of mine are unmet right now?" The answer was effectiveness, choice and autonomy. When I came up with that answer, suddenly my feelings started to make more sense.
Although being stuck in a line may not be such a horrible thing, my needs for effectiveness, choice and autonomy are profound. People die every day fighting for these needs. They're very important to us humans.
The recognition of these needs helped me gain some perspective. It helped me understand that these needs were very important to me - and since, in my self-empathy, I had identified them, I was able to see that there were other ways that I do meet these needs. In fact, I even began to understand that I was choosing to be "stuck" in lines by choosing to shop in stores that I know get jammed up at times.
When I can "turn the light on" by becoming aware of my needs, it gives me a chance to see that the "monster" is not a monster at all. It's my needs in the dark.
The Challenge and Opportunity
Certainly, working with intense emotions is a challenge. That said, because they are so intense, it becomes pretty easy to know when we are feeling them - and this gives us a cue to self-empathize and get a deeper understanding of ourselves. It also gives us a chance to empathize and have a deeper understanding of others who are experiencing intense emotions.
More to come, as The Compassion Course continues.
