Week 6
The Concept
"Hidden Judgments"
So far during the course, many of us have developed the skill of translating our judgments into an awareness of needs (or at least we are beginning to - *warm smile*). This will be a recurring and vital practice in our journey to having more compassion in our lives.
So it follows that the more we have the skill of
identifying
judgments, the more opportunity we have to increase our awareness of needs and therefore, our experience of compassion.
This week I would like to share ways to increase our compassion by noticing "hidden judgments": The first way, distinguishing observations from judgments and the second, noticing "non-feeling words".
Distinguishing "Observations" from "Judgments"
I can handle your telling me
What I did or didn't do.
And I can handle your interpretations,
But please don't mix the two.
If you want to confuse any issue,
I can tell you how to do it:
Mix together what I do
With how you react to it.
Tell me you're disappointed
With the unfinished chores you see,
But calling me "irresponsible"
Is no way to motivate me.
And tell me you're feeling hurt
When I say "no" to your advances,
But calling me frigid
Won't increase your future chances.
Yes, I can handle your telling me
What I did or didn't do,
And I can handle your interpretations,
But please don't mix the two.
---Marshall Rosenberg,
Friend, Mentor, Teacher, Poet
As we have discussed in earlier weeks, it can be disconnecting to speak in terms of judgment. That said, most of us still struggle to fully notice our judgments. By learning to think and speak in ways that include more observation and less judgment, we can increase the amount of connection we are likely to experience when we are talking to others (and ourselves).
In the "Practice(s)" section this week, there is an exercise that helps us distinguish these two modes of communicating (judging vs. observing). This, in turn, gives us more choice about how we speak
and
what we experience as a result. FYI, this exercise can be a challenging endeavor.
Distinguishing "Non-Feeling Words"
Non-feeling words are words that we use as
if
they are feelings, although they are not
really
feelings. In fact, they can be seen as judgments disguised in "feeling language". Although we have touched on this topic in earlier weeks, it can take some real intention to develop our ability to notice and translate "non-feeling words" and the thoughts that go with them.
For example, I may say, "I
feel
abandoned." Although, if you think about it, "abandoned" is something that happens (or happened). It is not actually a feeling.
That said, it doesn't mean that if someone says they're "feeling abandoned", that they are not having feelings (or needs). It just means, they are not included in the words (and likely consciousness).
By translating (or connecting) these words to the feelings and needs beneath them, we can experience more connection, understanding and compassion. For example, in the case of "abandoned", I can imagine that a person saying that feels lonely or scared and would like to have more connection, companionship, trust or love. When I think about these feelings and needs (and not the word "abandoned"), I am more likely to experience connection and a more compassionate understanding of what they are going through.
PRACTICAL NOTE
: Many of us, when we become aware of non-feeling words, are tempted to "correct" people who use them. We may even say things like "That's not a feeling!". As it turns out, that rarely ends up being a connecting experience. I have learned (the hard way) to simply translate or unpack "non-feeling" words inside my own head to create my own sense of compassionate understanding.
I have found this practice of seeing the feelings and needs inside "non-feeling" words to be particularly powerful (even transformational), especially when I notice and translate my
own
use of these words.
In the "Practice(s)" section this week, there is an exercise that helps us learn the "unpacking process" when it comes to some of these words.