Week 6
The 2020 Compassion Course Online
Thom Bond - Japanese Maple
With Thom Bond

Founder and Director of Education,


Week 6

The Concept

"Hidden Judgments"

So far during the course, many of us have developed the skill of translating our judgments into an awareness of needs (or at least we are beginning to - *warm smile*). This will be a recurring and vital practice in our journey to having more compassion in our lives.

So it follows that the more we have the skill of identifying  judgments, the more opportunity we have to increase our awareness of needs and therefore, our experience of compassion.

This week I would like to share ways to increase our compassion by noticing "hidden judgments": The first way, distinguishing observations from judgments and the second, noticing "non-feeling words".

Distinguishing "Observations" from "Judgments"

I can handle your telling me
What I did or didn't do.
And I can handle your interpretations,
But please don't mix the two.

If you want to confuse any issue,
I can tell you how to do it:
Mix together what I do
With how you react to it.

Tell me you're disappointed
With the unfinished chores you see,
But calling me "irresponsible"
Is no way to motivate me.

And tell me you're feeling hurt
When I say "no" to your advances,
But calling me frigid
Won't increase your future chances.

Yes, I can handle your telling me
What I did or didn't do,
And I can handle your interpretations,
But please don't mix the two.

---Marshall Rosenberg,
Friend, Mentor, Teacher, Poet

As we have discussed in earlier weeks, it can be disconnecting to speak in terms of judgment. That said, most of us still struggle to fully notice our judgments. By learning to think and speak in ways that include more observation and less judgment, we can increase the amount of connection we are likely to experience when we are talking to others (and ourselves).

In the "Practice(s)" section this week, there is an exercise that helps us distinguish these two modes of communicating (judging vs. observing). This, in turn, gives us more choice about how we speak  and  what we experience as a result. FYI, this exercise can be a challenging endeavor.

Distinguishing "Non-Feeling Words"

Non-feeling words are words that we use as if they are feelings, although they are not  really feelings. In fact, they can be seen as judgments disguised in "feeling language". Although we have touched on this topic in earlier weeks, it can take some real intention to develop our ability to notice and translate "non-feeling words" and the thoughts that go with them. 

For example, I may say, "I  feel abandoned." Although, if you think about it, "abandoned" is something that happens (or happened). It is not actually a feeling.

That said, it doesn't mean that if someone says they're "feeling abandoned", that they are not having feelings (or needs). It just means, they are not included in the words (and likely consciousness).

By translating (or connecting) these words to the feelings and needs beneath them, we can experience more connection, understanding and compassion. For example, in the case of "abandoned", I can imagine that a person saying that feels lonely or scared and would like to have more connection, companionship, trust or love. When I think about these feelings and needs (and not the word "abandoned"), I am more likely to experience connection and a more compassionate understanding of what they are going through.

PRACTICAL NOTE : Many of us, when we become aware of non-feeling words, are tempted to "correct" people who use them. We may even say things like "That's not a feeling!". As it turns out, that rarely ends up being a connecting experience. I have learned (the hard way) to simply translate or unpack "non-feeling" words inside my own head to create my own sense of compassionate understanding.

I have found this practice of seeing the feelings and needs inside "non-feeling" words to be particularly powerful (even transformational), especially when I notice and translate my  own  use of these words.

In the "Practice(s)" section this week, there is an exercise that helps us learn the "unpacking process" when it comes to some of these words.
In Practice

" This Wine Is Terrible! "

I was sitting with some friends after a practice group one evening, sipping some wine I had just acquired. When I took my first taste, I was shocked by the intense, almost overwhelming flavors I encountered. Finishing my sip, I exclaimed, "This wine is  terrible !"

As I looked around the table, I saw expressions of surprise and dismay on the faces of my friends. After a moment, it occurred to me that they were enjoying their glasses of wine.

I spoke again. "I mean, this wine is too intense for me." The looks shifted from dismay to understanding and our conversation instantly returned to a more connected state.

In that moment, we went from being three people having a disconnect over the "truth" about this wine, to being three people drinking wine that one of us didn't really like.

Granted, this was just a little moment in time, one that may or may not have had any serious consequence. However, I will never forget the way those two different sentences subtly, yet clearly, changed our experience.

More to come as the Compassion Course continues.
Practice(s) for the Week

Practice #1 - "Shifting towards Compassion"

Continue working with this exercise ( www.theexercise.org ). This time, start using observations in addition to quotes, such as actions. You can also work with your own judgment thoughts by writing the words "I'm telling myself ____". For example "I'm telling myself Chris is selfish".

Practice #2 - Experiencing Judgments versus Needs

Write down 4 judgments you have about your own needs (for example, "I don't deserve to have them", "they are a sign of weakness" - take your time). Next, view or print a copy of the needs list . Then, choose your top 5 favorite needs (for that moment) and write them down. Scan and ponder your lists. Notice how you feel as you "take in" these two different lists. You may want to share this on one of our Community Forums.

Practice #3 - Non-Feeling Word Game

This simple game or exercise was inspired by the many hours I spent in dentist's and doctor's waiting rooms reading children's magazines, "connecting the dots". It is a practice in finding "hidden judgments" and "unpacking" the feelings and needs inside them. Click Here to play.

Practice #4 - Heavier Lifting

Distinguishing Evaluations and Judgments - This exercise helps us find the "hidden judgments" inside our words. It is also practice in speaking in a "judgment free" manner. Click Here to go to this exercise.
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