Week 7
The 2020 Compassion Course Online
Thom Bond - Japanese Maple
With Thom Bond

Founder and Director of Education,


Week 7

The Concept

"More About Feelings"

Since Week 3 of the course, we have focused on the skill of noticing feelings and connecting them to needs (or again, at least we are beginning to *another warm smile*). Again, this is a recurring and vital practice in our journey to having more compassion in our lives.

As we develop this skill of connecting feelings to needs, we will inevitably have more awareness of needs and therefore, our experience of compassion will increase.

That said, many of us have a different relationship to our feelings. Instead of noticing (if not welcoming) our feelings as guidance, we stay separated from them. This separation can take many forms.

Judging Our Feelings

Most of us have heard (or thought) the words, "You shouldn't feel that way", or "I don't have the right to feel this way". These thoughts put us "at odds" with our feelings and make us less likely to want to feel them.

Fearing Our Feelings

Many of us have a fearful relationship with our feelings. We see them as a source of pain - things to be avoided.

With practice, we can learn to see our feelings as a guide to the source of our pain (as opposed to seeing them as the source). 

As our ability to welcome and feel our feelings increases, we can deepen our relationship to them (as well as the needs they are telling us about) and increase our capacity for compassion and ultimately for making life more wonderful.

Ignoring Our Feelings

Some of us have learned to ignore or suppress our feelings. We have grown up hearing words like "Grow up!" or "Don't be such a cry baby". We have been encouraged, if not commanded, to cut ourselves off from our feelings.

I recall, as a young boy playing football in the fourth grade, tackling my classmate Gerard. Gerard weighed about 150 pounds to my 80. When I tackled him, he fell on my head, just off the side line. The side line was made of blacktop.

I remember the excruciating pain of Gerard's weight pressing and scraping my ear and cheek into the pavement. I also remember excusing myself and heading home. I walked with my back to my friends, waiting until I was out of "ear shot" so I could start crying. The pressure to "man up" was astounding and oppressive for my little body/mind, but I did it. I learned to push my feelings down.

As I have asked around, I've learned that most of us have had experiences like that.

Feelings as Messengers

These days, I find it way more useful to see feelings as messengers - little beings inside me that are helping me to navigate my life. They tell me, moment by moment, how I am and what I would like more of (or less of) right now.

It is this relationship with my feelings that helps me stay more connected to myself, to life and, ultimately, to the life energy of those around me.

In my experience, these messengers are my dear, devoted friends - so much so, that they often refuse to leave until I fully receive the message they have for me.

This week's practices will help us discover, renew and deepen our relationship to the life energy we call feelings and eventually help us to deepen our experience of compassion and to create a more wonderful life.
In Practice

"Spilled Papers and 30 Seconds of Self-Empathy"

One of the things I appreciate most about seeing my feelings as guidance is that it almost always bring me to me - my center, my experience and, ultimately, my compassion.

I remember, one Sunday afternoon, I was straightening up my apartment when I came across a small pile of papers my partner had left on the bed. As I gently pulled the bedspread to straighten it beneath the pile, the pile shifted and the papers poured into a heap between the bed and the wall. As I reached for them, they proceeded to splay under the bed, through the dust and who knows what else (yuck!). Within a few seconds, I had a big, unreachable mess to deal with.

I noticed anger at my partner welling up in me. Luckily, it occurred to me that something was going on for me. I took a breath and checked in with myself.

By turning my attention to my feelings, I was able to understand that I was frustrated and really just wanted some order and ease. I was also angry, blaming my partner for the mess, thinking she "shouldn't" have left those papers on the bed.

By checking in with myself, I created a new choice for myself - go with the judgment that she "should" be more organized or tune into my needs. I decided to focus on my need for order and simply reach under the bed and clean up the papers. As I did this, blaming became less important. Actually, the whole thing was kind of a freak accident and it almost seemed funny after a while. Much different than thinking I was the victim of someone's "wrong-doing".

Just as I was having this shift inside me, I heard my partner's voice from the living room. "Are you OK in there?"

"Yes," I yelled back. I was.

As I called out my simple reply, I realized that if I had heard that same question only 30 seconds earlier, I would have still been in the "blaming place". From that place, I would have likely said something that wouldn't have matched my values and almost certainly would have contributed to an instant disconnection.

I'm grateful for the choice I gave myself in those moments. By turning inward with a curiosity about my feelings and my needs (instead of my judgment), I was able to transform my moment back to a place of connection and compassion - for both of us. Sweet.
Practice(s) for the Week

Practice #1 - Me and My Feelings

This exercise is an effective way to find the thoughts and reactions you have in relation to your feelings. By doing it, you will create the opportunity to have a deeper relationship with your feelings (and yourself) over time. For now, just notice what happens. This experience might be something you would like to share on our Community Forum or Facebook group.

Think of a situation in your life where you experience a high level of stimulation or pain. Notice the feeling. Feel the feeling. Stay with this feeling for a minute or so, simply noticing and feeling your feeling. Stay with it. Hang out.

You may notice you are judging, avoiding or backing away from this feeling. Notice when this happens. Then go back to feeling your feeling. Repeat. Try this for 2 to 5 minutes.

Practice #2 - Deeper Exploration - Noticing What I Tell Myself About My Feelings

Write down 4 judgments you have about your feelings (for example: "I don't deserve to have them", "they are going to hurt me", and so on). 

HINT: You will usually discover some of these in Practice #1

Next, write down what need(s) you are meeting, or attempting to meet, by holding these judgments.

After that, write down what need(s) you are NOT meeting by holding these judgments. Notice anything? This might also be something you would like to share with our Community.
Additional Course Information and Resources

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Every Wednesday, a new message is published via internet and email starting June 24th.

The course will last for 52 weeks, ending in June 2021.
Questions

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