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“Meanwhile the disciples were urging him, “Rabbi, eat something.” But he said to them, “I have food to eat that you do not know about.” So the disciples said to one another, “Surely no one has brought him something to eat?” Jesus said to them, “My food is to do the will of him who sent me and to complete his work.” –– John 4:31-34
HELP! Sometimes, we scream it. Sometimes, there is no sound, but the silent scream within is no less intense. Sometimes, we get help that doesn’t match the need. Sometimes, we get the essential help that we didn’t even realize was so needed. Sometimes, the help we receive is actually more hindrance than assistance. Yet, whether expressed or unexpressed, Lennon’s lyric is intrinsic to the human experience ––
“So much younger than today
I never needed anybody's help in any way
but now these days are gone
I'm not so self assured
now I find I've changed my mind
And opened up the doors
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being 'round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won't you please, please help me?”
For both benefactor and recipient, however, the subject of help can be fraught with complexity. In a culture that fosters the illusion of self-sufficiency, many refuse to acknowledge the need for help, even if such help is crucial to survival. When some people declare –– I’d rather die than accept assistance –– they actually mean it, much to their own detriment, not to mention the worry, pain, and trouble needlessly incurred by those who love them. Such pride is blind to the many ways the recalcitrant recipient is already receiving help that remains unacknowledged.
Other folks, whether overtly or passive-aggressively, will drain the life and spirit from helpers with a continual neediness that is more imagined than actual. The wake of their life is littered with the compassion-fatigued friends and family whose good intentions had evolved into codependency.
Conversely, the questions of who to help and when to help become frustratingly entangled in the question of how to help. Many cynics were once enthusiastic helpers who failed to failed to discern the difference need and neediness, help and codependency, progress and paralysis.
Additionally, helpers can be hindered by what church nerds call the messiah complex, the vainglorious assumption that you alone know what is needed and can save the day by imposing your will upon the beneficiary. Typically, the outcome here is frosty frustration for both benefactor and beneficiary. The benefactor is hindered by their own need to be needed and thanked. The benefactor, robbed of agency, feels imposed upon.
The complexities of help are not intractable, but can be smoothed out when both giver and recipient are aware of their shared humanity, their finite resources, and their need to listen to each other so that, together, they may discern what would actually be helpful.
The disciples were so sure they knew what was best for Jesus, what Jesus needed. As such, they share the sin that marks so many of our prayers –– If Jesus will just do what we tell Jesus to do, all will be well. “Meanwhile the disciples were urging him, “Rabbi, eat something.” But he said to them, “I have food to eat that you do not know about.” Maybe the disciples were so busy looking up take-out menus and calling DoorDash, they couldn’t listen to Jesus and trust his answer. It’s not as though Jesus was refusing help. After all, Jesus had called them to be helpers. But in order to be helpful, we must listen in order to understand what help is needed.
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