Weekly Newsletter

April 26, 2023

Quote of the Week:

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength,

while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”

-Lao Tzu

CARING FOR A LOVED ONE

As caregivers we tend to learn the hard way that we cannot control, reason, sweet talk, or bargain with our loved ones as they experience cognitive decline. We initially hope to affect radical change that will lead them to insight regarding their “behaviors”. Reality is in the mind of the perceiver… What we are perceiving is scary and uncertain. It’s as if your loved one has become a stranger in residence.

It gets even more complicated and troublesome when what we really want is for them to be restored to their “original self”.

Is it wrong to wish for that? Do we just stop trying? How long before we admit the futility of our efforts? Can we set aside our desire for a familiar connection and work with this “new normal”? We will need to let go of the longing for warm regard, mutual goals, and plans for the future.

We are confronted with apathy, a certain disconnection, brain fog from our care receiver, as they become disconnected from a life once lived.

Working to “empower” the care receiver is to create expectations. According to one caregiver, “We tend to work so hard to break through that fog, to get someone to experience vitality again. Sometimes being the cheerleader ends up with your pom poms in a heap on the floor.” We come face to face in the throes of grief regarding what is lost and what may never be.

COPING WITH GRIEF

WE ENTER A PAINFUL DILEMMA THAT HAS NO FIX, GRIEVING THE LOSS OF A PERSON EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE NOT LEFT US.

There are five stages in the grieving process; we move in and out of them, sometimes different stages several times a day.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

Could it be that the expectation we create is the root cause, the source, of so much of our suffering? We hope for our lives to “normalize”. We expect ourselves to be saints, our loved ones to “snap out of it”, someone to help at just the right moment.

We wish to be appreciated, for peace and quiet, for “me time” and not always “their time”. Perhaps the list is endless. All could be summarized as that ever-present need to simply have things be “fair.”

What do we expect of ourselves? Do we expect to be that perfect person sporting a golden halo over our heads? Or, are we willing to accept our humanness with all the warts and bristles, the missteps, the need for do-overs? Do we really, truly understand once and for all that:

WE ARE DOING THE BEST WE CAN AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT. WHEN WE KNOW BETTER, WE DO BETTER!

DO UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS THE HARDEST JOB YOU WILL EVER HAVE, PERIOD.

Please do not expect yourself to do this all alone. Daybreak offers twice a week, Support Group Zoom meetings that serve as a sounding board for our challenges. There is comfort and support in sharing with fellow caregivers. We are here to support you through this journey.