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A few years ago I was coaching a departmental chair. In our first conversation I asked what she'd like to walk away with. "Better at dealing with conflict," she said. It's a fine answer — but not one we could work with.
Leaders and aspiring leaders work with coaches, just as athletes work with theirs, and a first question to address is: what kind of leader do you want to be? Not general aspirations — good communicator, decisive, better at dealing with conflict.
Who do you want to be in the middle of a genuine conflict, an actual crisis, a controversy that puts you on the spot? Most people can produce the general list; far fewer can say precisely how they'd actually show up.
A vague picture can't be moved toward. "Better at conflict" isn't something you can practice on a Tuesday — there's nothing to notice or compare against. It's a mood, not a direction.
Building this ideal self is a process, not a single insight — recalling real moments, not traits, and saying it out loud to someone who'll push past the general version.
That's what happened with the chair. After several sessions, "better at conflict" became something closer to: letting go of preconceived notions and hearing what people were saying — and what might be behind it. That's a goal a person can work toward in a specific meeting, notice in the moment, and revisit afterward.
The same moves work for developing someone else. A direct report who says they want to be "more strategic" hasn't said anything usable yet. Asking harder questions instead — what happened, what did that look like, what would you do differently — is most of coaching, whether it's a coach or a chair asking. At LifeBound, we help people develop that kind of concrete vision for themselves — and help them draw it out in others, too.
A question worth sitting with: What's your own version of "better at conflict" — and what would it take to make it specific enough to work toward?
Join LifeBound this fall to strengthen your coaching practice and learn how to move from general aspirations to meaningful, actionable change.
To learn more or explore which option is right for you, visit www.lifebound.com.
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