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Note: The image of my son at age 17 and his story are both used with his permission.
Every parent knows that moment. Your easygoing child starts snapping at everyone. Your social kid wants to stay home. Your rule follower is suddenly talking back to teachers. And you find yourself thinking, "where did this come from?"
I’ve been through this with both of my own kids. One time stands out. When my son was 17, he volunteered as a helper with a youth group he loved. He was 6 foot 3, and he has ADHD, so socially and emotionally he was much younger than he looked. The two young leaders often acted more like friends than adults, and things could get pretty rowdy.
One day during some roughhousing, something happened that upset them. Instead of hearing his side or talking with me, they simply stopped speaking to him. Then one of them left for a three week trip to the Bahamas, and a full month went by with these two adults he looked up to giving him the silent treatment.
He was miserable, but he didn’t tell me. What I saw was the behavior. He wasn’t himself, and I knew something was wrong. That’s the only reason I kept asking until I found out what was going on.
I reached out to both leaders, and neither one would listen. So I took him out of the program. Then I handed him his phone and told him it was his turn to say how he felt. He sat there with a shaky hand and typed out every word he had been holding in for a month. When he hit send, he felt so much better, and we high fived. That moment taught him that his feelings mattered and that he could stand up for himself, even with an adult.
Looking back, part of the problem was his size. When a kid is tall, people expect them to act like an adult. But for many tall kids with ADHD or autism, their social and emotional maturity hasn’t caught up to their height. They get judged by a standard that isn’t realistic for where they are. If you have a child like this, it helps to quietly let the adults in their life know that what they see on the outside doesn’t always match what’s going on inside.
What I learned, as a mom and after 20 years of working with kids, is that a big change in behavior is usually a message. Kids often don’t have the words to say “I’m worried” or “something feels off.” So it comes out sideways, as irritability, defiance, tears, or pulling away.
When you see a change that doesn’t make sense, step back and look at the bigger picture. Ask yourself what else has shifted in their world lately:
- A parent lost a job or money is tighter
- A grandparent is sick, in the hospital, or moved into the house
- A move, a new school, or a new schedule
- A friendship that ended or a new group they’re trying to fit into
- Someone at school who is bothering them
- An adult in their life, like a coach or leader, who has treated them unfairly
- A new sibling, a divorce, or more tension at home than usual
- A pet who died or a favorite teacher who left
Kids notice far more than we think. Even when we try to protect them from grown up worries, they pick up on stress in the house. And sometimes the cause is something they’re keeping to themselves.
A few things that help:
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Stay curious instead of reacting to the behavior right away. Try “You’ve seemed really frustrated lately. I’m wondering if something is bothering you.”
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Pick low pressure moments to talk. Car rides, walking the dog, or cooking together often work better than sitting face to face.
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Check in with their teacher or coach. They may be seeing something you aren’t, or you may know something that helps them understand your child.
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Be patient. Sometimes it takes days or weeks before a child is ready to share.
If the change is big, lasts more than a few weeks, or you’re seeing signs your child is really struggling, talk with your pediatrician or a counselor. And you can always reach out to me. I’m happy to talk it through with you.
Our kids are always telling us something. Sometimes we just have to look past the behavior to hear it.
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