I used to
love
the “Who Wore it Best?” pages of the trashy magazines. Seeing the shoes that were paired with the dress, the ways the clothes hung, and the hairstyles chosen to complement the look. I devoured those pages. Looking back, I consider the values I was celebrating, and I wonder how it felt for those hundreds of people who one day opened the magazine and saw themselves on the “not best” side of the page. In a national magazine. And I consider how I would respond if one of my children came home comparing the dress of two peers - we would absolutely address the unkindness of that judgement.
But the pages of the magazine are not an isolated case. We are raising children in a world that can not only be harsh and unkind - I was especially struck by one story in the news this past week about a father in Ohio who posted signs about his baby’s rare disorder and was told to “let the baby die” - but in a world that often
values
and
celebrates
unkindness. In a world that sells magazines mocking how people are dressed, in a world where Simon Cowell makes millions of dollars for cattily criticizing others, and in a world where people cut out others with whom they disagree (and no, I’m not just addressing politics - there are enough behaviors about which to feel concerned without delving into partisan conversation).
Nobody is going to send you a monthly letter advocating for unkindness (although that would make for an interesting read!). Of course we all
say
we want our children to be caring and considerate, to understand how to engage others with respect. Of course we
insist
that treating other people with kindness, civility, and care is core to who we are. 90% of American parents
say
they want their child to be kind and caring.
Research
even indicates that kindness is essential for achieving financial success, improving health, and preventing depression. We all seem to be in agreement that kindness is a value we want to instill in our kids. And yet our culture can feel overwhelmingly sharp and exceedingly harsh. Kindness can feel like an empty platitude instead of a way of being.
This is what I grapple with. What does it mean to not just say you value kindness, but to actually raise your children to be kind, in a world where acts of unkindness are pervasive and praised?
First though, I want to be clear: children are going to be unkind sometimes, and that’s ok. It is normal, developmentally appropriate, and human. They are going to yell at their siblings, they are going to exclude peers, and they are going to gossip. This is part of trying on behaviors as they grow up. But it is in naming those behaviors and acknowledging that
all
of our children are unkind at times that we actually elevate kindness. Being authentic matters. Some of the children whom I have witnessed display the most unkind behaviors have parents who simply cannot see their child as anything less than kind, angelic, and helpful. It is not a failure of parenting if your child acts unkindly or says something mean; it is a failure of parenting if you don’t acknowledge it.
Once we are authentic, we must be explicit with our children about our values. In our curriculum at Pressman, we aim to make kindness an unambiguous part of instruction. In our ECC and Day School, students explore the meaning of kindness, discuss that kindness is about a state of mind and heart, and notice small acts of kindness that are directed towards them. Children document acts of kindness on bulletin boards in their classrooms and hallways. The lessons are so ubiquitous and concrete, actually, that a prospective parent touring Pressman for the first time noticed that there are displays about kindness on every floor of our school. And these are conversations for the home as well - narrating that you’re making a meal for a friend who is sick and asking about acts of kindness at the dinner table are ways to explicitly share with your children what you value.
But as an educator and a parent, I know that being authentic and explicit are only part of the solution. As with so many other things, modeling is critical. We need to model kind words and kind behaviors to make our values sink in deep. How many times have I yelled at my children to tell them it’s not ok to yell at their brother? Our kids learn from us, and we need to demonstrate who we want them to be - when we take our children with us to volunteer on Thanksgiving morning to serve those who are hungry
and
in the mundane moments of life. We need to speak kindly to them, even when we are frustrated. We need to offer help to our friends and neighbors, even when it inconveniences us. We need to use appropriate language when someone cuts us off on the freeway. And we need to treat ourselves with kindness even when we feel dowdy or overwhelmed.
When I think about who I want my children to be in the world, kindness is one of my highest priorities. When I think about the kinds of people I want Pressman to produce, kindness tops the list too. So let’s be authentic, let’s be explicit, let’s narrate, and let’s model. Let’s build a community that talks the talk
and
walks the walk. We may be up against some pretty weighty cultural forces, but I do believe that if we are intentional in our parenting and our educating, we can prevail.
Warmly,
Erica
