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Why widowers talk about their widows
In last week’s eNewsletter, Champ Carolyn ended her comments with: “Most of the men I meet tend to always want to speak about their late wives. Why do they do this?”
Tom’s reply. Let’s ask the Champs for their opinions for next week’s article.
Here are some responses:
Susan emailed, “I’ve been a champ for 15+ years and have never written to you before. Your email this week hit home on two subjects.
“Widowed 17 years ago, I dated a few men over the years, and other than one on and off relationship with a man whose wife was in long-term care, I haven’t met anyone that was a fit for a long-term relationship. This guy walked when I got sick, said he could not deal with going through this again. I’ve fully recovered, so his loss.
“I took your advice a long time ago and am happily single. I have many friends and have many interests and activities.
"My experience with widowed men has made me realize that men have more difficulty moving on after the death of a spouse than women. An example is a neighbor who lost his wife due to cancer last September. When he didn’t return to work after vacation, his boss called the police to do a wellness check. They found him in the back yard deceased from suicide. He was only 61.
“And lastly, thank you for mentioning the fiasco regarding Lake Ontario. I’ve lived in Quebec most of my life and am a staunch Canadian. It’s a shame what is happening across the border, we have lived in harmony for so long. I think most Americans feel the same way.
“Keep those Friday emails coming!”
Jim, “Why do men talk about their deceased x’s? For me, it’s telling the lady I’m with some, things I liked about my wife Pam so the lady can learn more about me. Or, she can hear things I like about women in general.
“Women don’t like it, so I’ve learned to not talk about Pam specifically but mention things she reminds me of without mentioning Pam's name in particular.
“What else do I have to compare to after 47 years with the same woman? I still have love for her.
“The women who hear things mentioned shouldn’t be jealous or upset but understand a man has feelings about someone they loved and to express these feelings.
“But I need to understand most women don’t want to be compared to their guy friend’s ex. But losing due to death vs. divorce may make a difference”
Dee, “This is just a little note to Carolyn. When we lose someone we have known and loved, we don’t get over them. We learn to move ahead without a part of us, we learn how to deal with it and have hope.
“It is a very difficult process. You can’t suppress memories, but you can make new ones. Perhaps Carolyn can learn a bit about grief. Perhaps she has truly never loved and lost. It’s quite a process to continue living when part of you has died. I know, I’m a widow and I’m trying to find love again.
“I never give up, I remain hopeful and I live for today and I still plan for the future. And I continue to fill my heart with joy each day.
“On the political front our nation is a total mess. As my sons say, tariffs should be ended everywhere and by all countries. And whatever this man does, we can reverse name changes as soon as he leaves office.”
Colorado Kaitte, “Here are a few thoughts on why widowers often speak about their late wives.
“Grieving is a major process, and widowers, for the most part, seem to have a harder time. Unlike women, whose identities are often linked to relationships with children and friends, men frequently lack a built-in support system.
“I am single and live alone, but I still have a support system with a few close people. A long-term marriage, much like a long-term job, is a major part of a man's identity. When it is lost, he floats, sometimes for many years, until he gets his bearings—and sometimes he never does.
“If you are in a relationship with a widower, or considering one, it helps to understand that he loves you, just differently. We love differently in our teens and 20s than we do in our 50s and beyond.
"I turned 74 on Sunday, and I know I finally love myself and others differently. I no longer tolerate erratic, inconsiderate, or narcissistic behavior, and I no longer lose myself in relationships of any kind.”
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