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How to know when your relationship is headed for the rocks:
- When you focus on what you’re not getting from the relationship, you’re in trouble.
- When you stop being curious and inquiring about the other person’s experience and perspective, you’re in trouble.
- When you stop doing or begrudge doing things you know please your partner, you’re in trouble.
- When you won’t say thank you to your partner for what they do or no longer look for ways to be grateful for their contribution, you’re in trouble.
- When you’re no longer willing to engage and keep talking when situations are challenging, you’re in trouble.
- When you can’t accept that conflict is a normal part of relationships and are no longer willing to listen carefully to them and problem solve with your partner, you’re in trouble.
- When you withhold kindness, touch, and other goodness your partner values because you feel you aren’t getting what you want, you’re in trouble.
- When you not being honest (and kind about it) with your partner, you’re in trouble.
What do all these scenarios have in common? Your focus no longer on the relationship or your partner, it’s solely or primarily on you.
Close intimate relationships require a great deal of give and take, compromise, and kindness both towards yourself and the other person. When those behaviors fade, the relationship is in peril. I like to tell my clients that relationships are like a potted plant (sounds strange but bear with me). That plant is sitting between you. If only half of the plant gets watered, it will not receive enough water and die. Care and attention to the other person is what fuels a relationship. You give to get.
Another story that illustrates this conundrum is this: A man died and found himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter was about to admit him to heaven, when he paused, and said, “If you don’t mind, St. Peter, I have a question.”
St. Peter nodded. The man said, “I’m grateful to be allowed into heaven, and I wonder what hell looks like.”
In a flash, St. Peter showed the man hell. At a long narrow table, people were seated along either side, a bowl of tasty porridge in front of each person. The spoons, however, were too long for each person to scoop up the porridge and put it into their mouth. There were wails and accusations and cursing as these hungry souls struggled and failed to feed themselves.
The man turned to St. Peter. “Well, then, if this is hell, what is heaven?” he asked. In a flash the man found himself at a similar long table, with people seated along either side, a bowl of tasty porridge in front of each one, each equipped with the same long spoon. Only in this case, each person on one side used their long spoon to feed porridge to the person on the other side and vice versa. They were happily eating their tasty porridge by taking care of one another.
The "worst of us" is usually our wounded child and the adaptations we create to manage that wound. Children are by nature rather self-centered. When we start focusing on what we’re getting (or more likely not getting) from the relationship and not what we are putting into the relationship, the balance of give and take is likely to suffer. Both parties must tend their relationship, and do so according to the platinum rule (not the golden rule.) This is the platinum rule: give unto others as they would like to be given to.
When generosity and kindness aren’t lovingly tended, relationships wither, and our selfish child parts emerge. You may notice that these parts of us aren’t very sophisticated in their behavior or arguments, in other words, in an adult with adult relationship, we often behave in hurtful childish ways, our worst not our best.
One excellent (but rather arduous) book on couples skills starts the whole process by increasing the number of things each person does to please the other. Without that foundation of giving and receiving, our wounded children might take the steering wheel of the relationship bus, and who wants a small child driving a bus?
If you’re struggling in your relationship, and the worst parts of you are driving, quiz yourself on the list at the beginning of the article. How are you doing on each of these items? Ironically, research has consistently shown that we are happier when we focus on others' welfare. Focus on changing yourself first, that you can control, and then see what happens with your relationship.
Please note: I’m not talking about clinically narcissistic or abusive relationships. Those require professional support and proper intervention.
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