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Why you don't really want a compliant child

 (or do you?)


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Parenting By Heart?

Sleeping, feeding and gentle care for your baby's first year.

 

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Hello,

 

 It's been a very busy time here with lots of talks and trips away. I am very lucky to be able to share some of my 'excursions' with family time.  For instance, my daughters helped me with the Sydney Baby and Toddler Show and next week my daughter Sarah and I will be heading to Byron Bay together for a few days - she's organising my talks there.

 

I have always tried to live life 'family first' especially when our kids were small. I know it's a cliche that we can't get this time back again - our little ones will never ever be this age again - but it is true. I also discovered a more 'selfish' reason for prioritising family needs: if it doesn't work for them, it's never going to work for us either.

 

Children will always extract the attention they need from us, one way or another. Whether this attention is positive (such as focussed attention that shows, you are worth it!), or negative (reprimands and punishment), children try desperately to connect with us when their tiny tanks are running low. I believe this is about the chemical connection as well as an emotional need. With babies we cuddle and carry and we spend a lot of time connecting with eye contact and smiles that release positive hormones in their tiny bodies and our own. But, as babies become toddlers and they spend more time exploring independently, there is less physical touch, less focussed attention (until something unsafe or inconvenient happens) and a greater expectation that they will be 'ok' amusing themselves. Yes, toddlers do need to explore safely and discover how the bigger world works and they do need opportunities to develop independence, but they still thrive on connection. This is why it's important, especially if your little ones have been separated from you during the day, perhaps in childcare, to try to see their needs for cuddles and connection as important. When children's tiny tanks are filled with love and cuddles, their chemistry will be balanced with calming hormones such as oxytocin (the love hormone) and endorphins (a mix of feel good hormones). Your child will be happy and so will you because he will be able to play without demanding, whining or doing things 'just to get attention' because his emotional tank will be full.

 

 

Our theme for this Gentle Beginnings newsletter is bonding, so please enjoy the articles. Our 'Your Self' article is a warning that even though you are gently parenting your child, doing the 'hard yards' now may not give you a super compliant child - and why this is a good thing!

  

If you are a new subscriber, welcome and please check out all the ways we can support you through this intense journey of being a parent - from books, recording packages and seminars, to private consultations with Pinky and our Mummy Mentor programs.

 

Pinky's facebook community 

Have you checked out my facebook fan page? There are wonderful mummies on there who are very supportive and helpful to each other. As mums send in their questions, we repost them for other mums to answer - because the parents there are all somewhere along the spectrum of responsive parenting, there is always a range of gentle suggestions. There is no one size fits all but everyone is very respectful so you will see various options that may suit your unique baby and family situation. As one mum said, "now I have plans A, B, C and D!" This is becoming a real 'village' !

 

  

Need a mummy mentor?

Another more intensive and informative online resource is my Parenting By Heart Mummy Member and Mummy Mentor programs.  Karen, an experienced but 'in the trenches' mummy is our program manager so it's really humming with weekly emails and blogs as well as an expert interview every month - these interviews are with health or early childhood professionals who support gentle, connected parenting. We have an archive of recordings with in depth information from leading internationally acclaimed professionals on topics from Infant reflux , The Wonder weeks, Baby Led Weaning and Choosing Childcare to interviews about mothers' health including topics on nutrition, fertility, birthing, and emotional well-being. The Mummy Mentor program includes live Q and A calls with me - you can email your questions in or get on the line and ask your questions on the calls . You will also receive discounts in the Pinky shop and at all Pinky  seminars.

 

Pinky Seminars!

 Pinky is are offering Baby Sleep seminars  and Toddler Tactics seminars in Byron Bay ( next week), Melbourne, Brisbane and Canberra during October and November.

     

 

Wherever you are in your parenting journey, remember to love, laugh and enJOY! And please be as gentle to yourself and your beloved as you are to your little ones.

 

Pinky

 

mum and bub 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your Baby

 Womb Service

  

In the watery world of the womb, your baby was weightless and warm, he was comforted by the rhythm of your heartbeat and the gentle rocking motion of his "mother home" as his body was gently massaged by the uterine wall and contained by the boundaries of your own body. Now, from this dark warm world of muffled sounds, the newborn must get used to new sensations: air moving across his skin and into his lungs, lights, direct sounds, smells and stillness.

By offering what I call 'womb service', you can help your baby adapt to being 'on the outside'. Womb service involves recreating the sensations your baby experienced while he was safely carried inside you. To help you remember the important aspects, I have called these the five Ws......

 

 Read more 
 
  

Bikkies for your boobies

Have you tried our Boobie Bikkies yet? These naturally nutritious cookies are rich in omega 3 essential fatty acids, protein and B vitamins to nourish your nervous system (and your baby's as the good stuff passes through your milk), and boost your energy, and the organic oats will help to keep your blood sugar levels (and your mood) steady. You don't have to be breastfeeding to enjoy the benefits- they are perfectly safe for pregnant women too - some women have told us they help stave off morning sickness when nothing else will 'stay down'! Others tell us how convenient they are to keep beside the bed to satisfy midnight hunger pangs in the early days of breastfeeding.
 

 

"I have had low supply for both my children and Boobie Bikkies have come to the rescue. I have been taking medication for my supply to ensure I have enough for a very hungry baby. I was on a high dosage and with the introduction of Boobie Bikkies, I have managed to reduce my medication dosage and 'make more mummy milk naturally'. I am a popular guest at our mother's group catch ups as I always bring Boobie Bikkies for everyone - both breastfeeding and non breastfeeding mums eat them and they get demolished at every visit. As another mum and myself say "boobie bikkies with a glass of milk - perfect"!

Margo Vasilevska, mother of two, Melbourne

 

 

 

   zahrina mum and baby     

 

 

  For more information and support to give your baby a gentle beginning through the first year, check out Pinky's book Parenting By Heart and her mummy Member and Mummy Mentor support programs.   

 

 

Your Toddler
Two steps forward, three steps back - the bumpy road to independence

 

Even completely secure toddlers can take two steps forward and a step or more backwards along the bumpy road to independence. One day your child will happily wave 'good-bye' and another, she will cling to your legs; she may have been happily enjoying family meals at the table for weeks but then suddenly want to sit in her highchair and be fed again or, even though she has been sleeping all night long in her own bed, she may start waking and needing a cuddle in the night.

Sometimes the reasons for returning to 'baby' behaviour are obvious. At other times there isn't an obvious explanation for regressive behaviour although a step backwards can often precede a big developmental leap as though your little one really needs that extra security before she takes two big steps forward.

Whatever the reasons behind this unpredictable progress on the path to being 'big' most 'backward' steps only last a few weeks at most if you allow your child to rest and feel safe again, rather than pushing him away and 'be a big person' before he really feels ready.

  • Don't react strongly if your child reverts to 'babyish' behaviour. Respond with, " oh, you want to pretend to be a baby and eat in the highchair." Without a fuss, she will soon become bored and want to eat at the table again.
  • Encourage 'big' behaviour by appealing to the 'grown up' nature of your toddler. "I'm so happy to have a big boy who can hold my hand when we walk to the shops."
  • Give your toddler language to express his feelings. "I miss Daddy when he has to go away to work, do you?" "Sometimes I feel angry when the baby wakes up." As he becomes more capable of expressing his feelings in words, he will no longer have to use baby behaviour to get his needs met. Of course this will depend on his language and cognitive skills as well as your patient modelling, so please don't expect miracles from a toddler - just because he can talk well and 'use his words', doesn't mean he can contain his feelings yet.

 

Above all, try to see things from your child's perspective: consider how you feel yourself when your world becomes stressful or you are about to undertake a new project. Wouldn't it be nice to have some extra support? A hand to hold? A hug? Tiny tots who are just stepping out into the world also need a hand to hold, hugs, lots of smiles and kind words to help them face new challenges with confidence.

 

 sibs  

For more great tips to help you enjoy your terrific toddler, check out Pinky's book Toddler Tactics - and her Toddler Tactics seminars.

  

 

Your Self
Bonding or bondage? Your independent child.
 

You probably have some dreamy image of a bonded, loving family of cooperative, placid children as a result of your gentle, connected parenting. I would just like to offer a caution. Whatever parenting style you choose is hard work, but it can seem particularly intense to implement a very conscious, attached parenting style. It can also be a shock to discover that these empathically parented children can be strong-willed, independent and often quite feisty individuals. There will be days when you question whether it might have been better all round to have kept your baby in a darkened room with little stimulation (so she isn't so smart); or perhaps to have been more rigid in your style of discipline (so she would be more compliant). On days like these, it can help to remember how important it is to nurture an independent child who can think for themselves:

 

*Independent children are less likely to be compliant to peers (this becomes especially pertinent in their teenage years).

 

*Independent children are more likely to have intact self-esteem, which will impact their entire lives and how they allow others to treat them.

 

Although they are likely to experiment, explore and push the boundaries as much or more than any children as they grow, if the connection between you and your child is strong, you will intuitively sense when they need some extra support or firmer boundaries. As a connected parent, you will have the confidence in yourself to do what is best for each child (this might mean seeking referrals for extra help or support for yourself, at times). You will be secure enough in your role as a guardian of and model for your child that you won't need to be 'best friends' to ensure your child's love.

 

 

 

    

 

About Pinky
 

Pinky McKay, International Board certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC), runs a private practice in Melbourne specializing in gentle parenting techniques. A sought after keynote speaker and best-selling author with 4 titles published by Penguin, including Parenting By Heart, Sleeping Like a Baby, 100 Ways to Calm the Crying and Toddler Tactics, she's an expert source for media appearing regularly on major network TV and quoted in various publications. Pinky's books, parenting resources and her free newsletter 'Gentle Beginnings' can be found on her website www.pinkymckay.com.au

 

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