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The holidays are many things to each of us, and this time of year can bring up so many feelings and experiences: joy, stress, grief, nostalgia, hope, disappointment. That’s already a lot to carry. But another piece of what makes the holidays hard to navigate is both the expectations placed on us by others and the expectations placed on us by ourselves. It isn’t possible to take away the hard or overwhelming feelings that may come up over the next month, but there are things you can do to manage both internal and external expectations. My hope is that doing so will allow more room for managing hard feelings, but also for experiencing joy and presence in whatever activities you choose to engage in.
You don’t have to do it all every year.
Think through what you’ve done in the past and notice what you feel excited about…and what brings up tension. Tension can look like thoughts (“I don’t want to do this”), feelings (anxiety, sadness, anger) or body sensations (tight chest, clenched jaw, stomach ache).
Are there parts of your plans that make you feel excited or joyful? Can you choose to do those pieces and then choose not to do the pieces that create tension?
Another way to think about it is, are there ways to engage in traditional activities (like going to an aunt’s house) in a way that feels more manageable (only going for a certain amount of time)?
Set gentle boundaries.
Boundaries are often thought of a way to say no to things, which can be true, but they are also a way of navigating relationships in a way that works better for you so that you can maintain the relationship and stay in connection.
Imagine that you’re at a gathering and a family member who you generally disagree with on politics comes up and tries to engage you on one of those fraught topics. You can come in anticipating that and have a plan about what you can say. Even practice the line a few times beforehand. For example, you could say, “I want to have a great day with you, so let’s talk about something else.”
Sometimes, good parents have what they would consider bad thoughts. You may be thinking:
· This is hard for me, and I’m not having a great time
· My family understands me less than I want them to
· You may feel really frustrated with your child for not eating anything other than a roll at dinner or having a meltdown when it’s time to leave a gathering (speaking from personal experience).
These are all normal thoughts to have, and don’t make you mean or a bad parent. However, if you can anticipate that everyone (kids and adults!) will be overstimulated, off their normal routine, and likely tired, it may help you meet these thoughts and feelings with compassion and a shrug rather than giving them more meaning than you need to.
Things to consider:
· You don’t have to do everything every year for it to be a tradition
· You’re allowed to do things differently from your parents or family did
· Kids remember how they felt more than any other detail
· Think about things that are essential and things that you can let go. This will look different for everyone, but it can be so helpful in reducing conflict.
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