World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day

-World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day-

Covert Narcissistic Abuse

Today, June 1st, is World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day. I have certainly done my share of studying Narcissistic Personality Disorder over the last few years. I'm not going to get into details of my personal experience, but the condensed version is that I was involved with a covert narcissist. Provoked by an indescribable amount of cognitive dissonance during the relationship, I began researching psychopathy, desperately seeking answers to what I was experiencing.

The word "narcissist" gets thrown around a lot and often misused. It's not just someone who is blatantly full of themselves or lies and cheats. Unfortunately, we run into these types of people often in life. While these traits can be annoying and hurtful, narcissism is a deeper, more destructive disorder that can leave overwhelming effects. The victim may not carry around physical scars yet the impact on their psyche is profound.

If you've been in a narcissistic relationship, you have been belittled, insulted, isolated, neglected, shut up and minimized all while being manipulated into believing that you are the problem. It's mind boggling to me that I endured this type of abuse without realizing it was happening. But that's the exact covert nature of how it's done! It also happens from people who never would be expected to be abusers. This type of hidden manipulation can be very difficult to put into words and often victims never fully understand what occurred. After the relationship ends, they're often very confused and justify their abuser as just a "needy" person.

It wasn't until I became "aware" of NPD that I was able to grasp what was really happening in my situation. My brain had to do a lot of shifting and analyzing to pull myself out of the distorted rabbit hole and finally have truth and reality back again in my life.

Recognizing you've been psychologically abused is a major process. Education and awareness are critical steps into escaping and/or preventing a toxic relationship.

To bring awareness for this day, I wrote a piece about covert narcissistic abuse with information that I've personally found to be the most helpful.

Traits of a Covert Narcissist

Covert narcissists are extremely difficult to recognize. They hide behind pseudo empathy, self effacement, and even holiness. Behind their holy surface, it is always about them and ways to fill their narcissistic needs of praise and adulation.

Within a relationship, they use subtle psychological abuse to tear their partner down to gain complete control and power. In order to discredit any claims the victim may make, the abuser uses a calculated strategy of manipulative tactics that actually condition their victims to ignore their intuitions. And no matter how convincing their faux innocence may seem, they know precisely what they're doing.

Unlike an overt narcissist, their lack of blatant arrogance may derail your suspicion that they may be a narcissist. In fact, covert narcissists usually appear wounded, vulnerable.. even humble. They are excellent actors and maintaining a favorable image is a top priority to them. Many times, their friends and family are unaware of their manipulative actions or evil side.

They are pathologically liars who actually believe their own fabrications. They don't care about sound arguments, loyalty or honesty.. although ironically they are quick to boast that they are excellent at these traits.

Narcissists will never accept blame for any hurt they may cause. In fact, they will deflect it back on their targets by labeling them as "too sensitive" or "overly emotional". They have a delusional sense of entitlement.. thinking they can do anything they want and expecting their victim to remain perfect. Which in narcissistic terms, remaining perfect equals remaining passive.

Speaking of behavior.. During my relationship, I received many cryptic emails explaining how poor and unacceptable my behavior was. One of them stated that he "needed to be with a woman who was meek and docile". The literal definition of the word "docile" is one who is "easily managed or handled". I can somewhat laugh about how ridiculous that sounds now.. but trust me, during the time I first read it, that statement didn't even stand out as strange to me because I had already been swallowed by the fog of manipulation into believing that my normal, self respecting, level headed emotions weren't acceptable anymore.

Narcissists are unable to form authentic attachments to others and have meaningful, healthy relationships. Although they would be happy to string along an obedient partner for sometimes years.. as long as that partner is compliant with their abuse. With a complete lack of empathy and no self reflection, they truly are unable to tune into the emotional world of others. It's a frightening fact that normal principles of human decency do not work with a narcissist.

No matter how kind, helpful and or even forgiving you may be.. if they can't control you or if they know you can see through their mask... they will throw you under a bus in a heartbeat and smear your name to anyone who will listen.

They know exactly how to spin the reality of their abusiveness and paint themselves as the victim.

Manipulative tactics of a Covert Narcissist

There are several manipulation tactics that narcissists use. Below are the 3 I wanted to share.

Gaslighting

This type of crazy making is so covert that many victims don't even know they've been abused. Things you saw for your own eyes and heard with your own hears, they will deny. They will deny and lie so convincingly, you feel like you could be losing your mind. And that's precisely how they want you to feel.

Narcissists will rewrite history to escape accountability. Using gaslighting to invalidate and minimize your emotions and make you feel trivial for pointing out the truth. This allows them to gain more power in the relationship. This manipulation tactic makes you question your own sanity so the narcissist is able to take the spotlight away from their own abusive behavior. They use circular conversations and nonsensical arguments for you to slowly doubt everything about your, once easy going, nature.

If you try to sensibly confront them, they will never agree to discuss what triggered you... they will only focus on how you reacted to it. To a narcissist, the problem isn't the abuse itself.. the problem is that you started to notice it.

During gaslighting, narcissists sometimes use projection to accuse their victims of things that they are actually doing. Victims may spend days self reflecting, feeling hurt and trying to make sense about what they've been accused of. This tactic works well for a narcissist because they specifically sought out a target who possesses good personal accountability. If a person is wired with accountability, they are more likely to accept blame even if it's not their fault. The victim's self respect begins to erode without them even noticing.

Because gaslighting spins a web of confusion, victims often begin to isolate themselves from friends and family. They may feel embarrassed and start making excuses for their abusers actions. Targets get groomed into believing that they are the problem in the relationship, which lowers their confidence, raises their eagerness to "do better" and makes them vulnerable to even more psychological abuse.

They become a shell of their former selves.

Gaslighting is a game of psychological warfare.

Triangulation

Triangulation in the context of narcissistic abuse is the act of bringing another person or a group of people into the dynamic of a relationship or interaction to belittle the victim and make them feel unbalanced. Narcissist constantly seek attention and adoration from anyone who will give it to them so triangulation is used in many different ways.

Narcissists may triangulate their victims with other love interests including ex-partners. Constantly dropping names and subtle hints regarding other women.. just enough to make their partner feel not good enough. They use these outside people to manufacture insecurity and jealousy within their victims.

The ex's who remain friends with a narcissist do not realize they are mere puppets to this person. One's for the narcissist to call upon any time he needs to fill his narcissistic supply and to spice things up when he becomes bored. It makes the victim feel anxious and unhinged.. this is precisely why he does it.

Most people would agree that jealousy is not healthy in a relationship.. but there's a huge difference between true jealousy and the narcs manufactured jealousy. Narcissists are cereal provokers. They like to throw you into impossible situations.. and then sit back and marvel at your reaction to them.

Other ways of triangulation is to keep you apart from someone who may see their true colors. They provoke rivalries. They may also report back falsehoods about what one person is saying about another, in order to pit their victims against each other so that neither one of them approaches the other about the abuse taking place. Making sure he lies just enough to keep you both far apart so you're unable to compare notes.

Social media makes it easy for narcissist to triangulate these days. They will purposely post things to lure in new or old targets. They want you to confront them about their posts because they are so seemingly minimal that you appear insecure, jealous and immature for even bringing them up. And that's exactly how they want you to feel. It's almost impossible to prove because it's strategically ambiguous.

Triangulation is always used in a narcissistic relationship one way or another. They crave it as a mind game that enables them to gain a sense of power and control over multiple people simultaneously.

Intermittent reinforcement

There are three phases to a narcissistic relationship: Idealization, Devaluation and Discard.

During the idealization phase, the narcissist "love bombs" their victims. They play the role of the perfect partner for some time until they know they have you hooked.

Then during the devaluation phase, they slowly start to mix in their manipulation tactics to break you down and gain power.

Intermittent reinforcement happens during this phase of the relationship. It's a pattern of cruel and callous treatment mixed in with random bursts of affection. A narcissists conditions their victims to become grateful for the most mediocre treatment. Victims are disappointed so frequently that they feel relieved when the abuser does something halfway decent.

If the narcissist feels like they are losing their grip.. they will suddenly sweep in and do something kind so you perceive their rare positive behavior in an amplified light.

This causes a victim to work harder to sustain the toxic relationship because they so desperately want to go back to the "love bombing" phase of the abuse cycle.

This tactic is done to keep the target off balanced and addicted to the "high" moments. In reality, it's just a period where they give false hope to their victim.

Intermittent reinforcement is one of the main manipulation tactics that makes it so difficult for a victim to leave an abusive relationship.

The Smear Campaign

When the narcissist can't control you, they will do all they can to control how others see you. This is called a smear campaign. It's a vicious and personal strike against your reputation and the truth of the situation.

It usually happens after the relationship has ended, but sometimes a narcissist will begin a smear campaign during the relationship to prepare every one besides their victim for the break up. They may engage in serious conversations with others regarding how terrible the relationship is and making themselves seem like the victim all the while telling their partner a completely different message.

They manipulate and shape others opinions of the victim in hopes that if the victim were to try to reach out and speak the truth, nobody the narcissist has molded would believe them.

They also like to use social media to smear their victims character by posting misleading information, then sitting back and allowing a multitude of strangers attack them. It's all very calculated and cruel.

Narcissists only seek advice and confide in people they know will agree with them. Sometimes they reel in others to help with the smear campaign. Some people refer to these helpers as the narcissists "minions" or "harem'. "Flying monkeys" is a more recent term used by some psychologists. This is the phrase to describe people in the narcissist life who act on their behalf. They are the narcissist biggest fans who have a solid belief that the narcissist is the victim and you are to blame for a multitude of things. Flying Monkeys may do things like compose emails for the narcissist.. or even go as far as creating fabrications on court documents against someone without ever having one single conversation with that person.

Rational thinking, kind, mature adults don't do things like this. Flying Monkeys do. Because they are also victims who have been manipulated and brain washed into blindly believing everything the narcissist says is the truth.

Ultimately, there is not much a person can do about a smear campaign against them. We only can keep moving forward. Others may be convinced by the narcissist to form certain opinions regarding your character. But you can have confidence in knowing that any person your ex narcissist associates with does not actually know you at all. They are 100% clueless to the actual truth of your personality, actions, behavior and situations in your daily life. And that's ok. Those aren't your people.

For me personally, I am so thankful to have such close, supportive family and friends who know the truth. These are the people I talk with, the people who actually see and live in reality, who witness things happening and who have my back when I'm faced with difficult situations.

How to free yourself

You don't need to convince others of your abusers true nature. Outing a covert narcissist is not worth it. Confronting them will only make them enraged to attack you more in some way or another. They will do anything to protect their fake persona. The greatest insult to a narcissist is a challenge to their credibility as a normal healthy human.

Getting out of the relationship and having no contact is the best scenario if possible. Say goodbye to love triangles, cryptic letters, self doubt and anxiety. Once you have freed yourself from these vipers you will never look back.

Take care of your physical and mental health and trust your intuition. It was right all along. YOU were right all along. You may be horrified you ever let that darkness into your life.. but things will finally start to make sense.

Find a therapist experienced in cluster B personality disorders. Not just a general counselor who may not be familiar with this type of abuse. You don't need someone telling you that you need to be more independent. While there are always things to work on ourselves, the awful situation you experienced wasn't about YOU.

You are a survivor of emotional and psychological abuse. You need someone who fully understands NPD and can walk you through what was actually happening during your relationship. Because even after you learn about it.. it's still so hard to believe.

There was nothing you could have changed that would have changed them. No perfection would have made them loyal. No sacrifice would have made them committed. Our job isn't to get them to stop lying, cheating or abusing us. Our job is to leave!

Knowledge is not only power but immense validation when it comes to experiencing emotional abuse. Read and learn all you possibly can about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Sociopathy. Join forums and groups along with others who've experienced it. Emotional abuse from a covert narcissist is especially difficult to explain. Seek out the support and conversation from other survivors with similar experiences to help you recover. You are not alone with this.