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GOD: You know all about gardens & nature. What in the world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds & stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought & multiply with abandon. The nectar from the blossoms attracts butterflies, bees & birds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them & replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds & bees; only grubs & sod worms. It's temperature sensitive. Do Suburbanites really want all that grass?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it & keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass & poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains & warm weather makes grass grow really quickly. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up & put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off & pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain & turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth & saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses & pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it & pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty & shade in the summer. In the autumn, leaves fall to the ground & form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil & protect the trees & bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. As soon as the leaves fall, the Suburbanites rake them into great piles & pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No! What do they do to protect the shrub & tree roots?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out & buy something they call mulch. They haul it home & spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees & grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: 'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
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