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Dissociation can be an aspect of shock. It may feel strange and even scary sometimes, but it’s common and normal. In early grief, you may also feel a sense of surrealness. Surreal means bizarre, irrational, even make-believe. Your mind may be telling you that what is happening can’t actually be happening because it is not possible for it to be real.
“It feels like a dream,” grievers often say. “I feel like I might wake up, and none of this will have happened.” That dreamlike aspect of early grief is surrealness. It often feels overwhelming and can be naturally disconcerting, but it happens to almost everyone right after a major loss.
Trouble Thinking
It is almost impossible to think clearly in early grief. Brain fog is common. So are problems with short-term memory. You might have conversations with others, but not remember what they said to you. Your mind is blocking. You are hearing, but can’t listen well.
In addition, you may feel like you can’t get anything done. It is difficult to concentrate long enough to complete tasks. You may struggle with basic daily activities.
Be patient and kind with yourself if your brain doesn’t seem to be working well. It is completely normal. Avoid taking on any cognitively challenging tasks right now when possible. And ask for help when you need it.
Time Distortion
As human beings, we are creatures of habit. We move through our days and lives with the comforting, predictable structure of routines. So when our routines are thrown into disarray by a death, we tend to get disoriented to the passage of time.
In early grief, often time seems to race by. On other days, it crawls. You may not be able to keep track of what day it is. You may find yourself uncertain of the month or season.
Calculating how much time has elapsed since the death or funeral may feel impossible. Special days such as birthdays or holidays might escape your notice or pass by in a blur.
When you are confronted with thoughts
and reminders of the death, your mind
likely says, “What? This can’t be!”
Searching and Yearning
After someone you love dies, it is normal to look for them or expect them to reappear. In fact, it’s one of the most common things people tell me in early grief. Every time you hear your front door or garage door open, your breath might catch, and you might think, “There they are!” This searching behavior is a sign that your mind is trying to process the reality of the death. It can also make you feel crazy because, while you know that they have died, you don’t yet fully know.
The intense yearning of early grief is similar. You want the person who died back. You miss them intensely. You yearn for them to be present again. The yearning can make you feel crazy because, once again, you know it’s impossible for them to return, but you desperately want it anyway. Yearning is painful and normal.
Fatigue
In general, you might be finding yourself tiring more quickly—sometimes even at the start of the day. You might wake up feeling fatigued.
This is called the lethargy of grief. It might seem crazy to feel so tired, especially when you’re not doing anything strenuous. However, it’s a natural mechanism intended to slow you down and encourage you to get extra rest and care for your body, mind, and soul.
Whenever possible, lay your body down for twenty minutes a few times a day. Sleep if you can sleep, but simply rest if you can’t. Put on some soothing music or watch a lighthearted TV show—anything that helps you relax.
And don’t expect too much of yourself. If you are not getting anything done because you’re too tired, it’s OK. If you need help getting essential tasks taken care of, ask for it.
Acknowledging the Reality of What Happened
The crazily intense and surreal thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in the very early days after a major loss mostly have to do with one super-challenging need of mourning: acknowledging the reality of the death.
When you are confronted with thoughts and reminders of the death, your mind likely says, “What? This can’t be!” And that’s often when the crazy-intense grief symptoms come up. You experience shock, dissociation, and time distortion. You may feel like you’re being hysterical. You might not be able to think or sleep. You may experience a level of fatigue beyond anything you’ve ever felt before.
You might think of these symptoms like aches and pains caused by the cognitive grief work your mind is doing. Yes, work. Acknowledging the death of someone close to you is difficult work for your brain.
I don’t think we’re born being able to easily grasp death. It is instinctive to love, and it is instinctive to grieve when we’re separated from the people we love. But it is not instinctive or innate to think, “Oh, it’s just death. One minute alive, the next dead. It’s just forever. It’s natural. It’s fine.”
If you were able to see and spend time with the body after the death, acknowledging the reality often happens a little more readily. It’s still hard work—don’t get me wrong. But seeing and touching the body that gave form to the precious person who died can help your mind understand the fact of the death. I know that this isn’t always possible or appropriate. So if you didn’t see or spend time with the body, don’t shame yourself. Talking openly about the death and seeking answers to any lingering questions you might have can also help satisfy your mind.
"If you are not getting anything
done because you’re too
tired, it’s OK."
Acknowledging the Pain
There is acknowledging the reality of what happened, and then there is dealing with the pain that naturally arises from that reality.
In the early days, shock protects you from some of the pain. For your mind and body, numbness and dissociation are forms of pain management. Thank goodness for these natural anesthetics.
But still, some of the pain naturally hits you right away. And the pain keeps seeping in every time you think about the death. Even with the protection of shock, you may experience moments in the very early days when the pain takes your breath away and drops you to your knees.
The pain of new grief can feel unbearable. Plus, it can contribute to your feelings of going crazy. How on earth are you supposed to live and function while this pain is going on? After all, when we experience physical pain, we are used to going to the doctor or pharmacy to get pain relief. There are entire industries and professions devoted to relieving bodily pain. We’re not expected to suffer. Yet grief comes along, and we are supposed to just take the pain day after day after day?
First, I want to affirm that you are right—the pain seems unbearable. It is, I believe, among the worst experiences of our lives here on earth.
Second, I want to assure you that your pain will ease over time.
And third, I want you to know that the steps in this book are pain relief for the emotional and spiritual suffering of grief. They can help make your pain more bearable right now. Befriending one’s pain can seem like a challenging—even antagonistic—notion in early grief. But it is a truth.
Your pain is there for a reason. So, for now, I hope you will simply acknowledge that the pain is normal and find ways to soothe it as best you can.
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