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Falling Through the Cracks
Written by a Youth MOVE Massachusetts guest blogger
In my early teen years, I was considered acute, as I exhibited sudden onset symptoms of anxiety and depression with suicidal ideation. I was in and out of the hospital due to the fact that I was unable to “contract for safety”– as they used to say. Although those were some of the toughest years of my life, I had a vast team to give me a leg up when I was at my lowest- therapy, youth groups, a DMH support worker, a team at my therapeutic high school, and my parents. I was very lucky to have a complete arsenal of support and resources to keep me from falling through the cracks.
I can’t say that I’m completely without support these days, either. I still see the same therapist I started with 17 years ago, and I have friends and family who know that I struggle from time to time and graciously still love me when I become symptomatic. For the most part, I can say that the good days outweigh the bad, and when they’re good, they’re really good. I can function without using up all of my “spoons,” and I genuinely enjoy life. That being said, when the days are bad, they’re the worst. The bottom line is, I live with depression and anxiety, and even though I can get through my day, I’m not doing it without a substantial amount of stress and worry.
Now, when I’m at my lowest, I don’t typically utilize my natural supports. I never want to feel like I’m a burden to others, but I know that I usually need to reach out for help. Once I’ve realized that I’ve reached the bottom of my pit of despair, I know that it’s time to claw my way out again, and I try to utilize resources. Unfortunately, they seem to be few and far between for people like me. Whenever I make a real attempt to better myself, I always end up feeling spurned and unheard. I’m just going to come out and say it; there aren’t enough resources for folks who present with “high functioning” mental illness. I use the phrase “high functioning” loosely, of course, as no one’s mental health journey is linear....
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