We Always Wonder Why

Written by a founding member of Youth MOVE Massachusetts

Nobody talks about wanting to die. There’s a dark stigma around it like it’s a contagious disease. It’s as if by talking about it, we have something to lose, when in reality, if we don’t talk about it, we’ll continue to lose many lives. We’re always surprised when somebody dies by suicide. We wonder where the signs were; we wonder how no one noticed something was off. We wonder why. We always wonder why.

Some days, I wake up, and the thought of having to go through the motions again becomes almost unbearable. Get up, shower, try to eat breakfast, go to work, try to have a social life, go to bed, and think about how much I don’t want to do the same thing day in and day out for the rest of my life. It all seems so tedious - especially when I’m also dealing with constant anxiety and treatment-resistant depression.

There are even days when I just want to die. I’m not saying that I’m suicidal. I don’t have a plan of action. I haven’t written my final goodbyes. I’ll be honest - I don’t even think I could bring myself to do it. The thought, though, is almost cathartic in a way. It’s like looking forward to taking a nap after you’ve woken up too early for a breakfast party that you didn’t even want to attend in the first place. When I’m at my lowest, I constantly think, “I didn’t want any of this. I didn’t ask to be born.” Often, I’d rather face the pitch black of uncertainty than deal with being depressed and crying myself into an uneasy sleep night after night...

PPAL's 14th Annual Conference on May 30, 2025 is the largest children's mental health conference in New England!

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YMM's social media accounts are made by youth for youth! We share tips and educational content about mental health, youth, and advocacy to create a safe space for young people to learn and connect. Check out some of our posts:

Mental Health Mini Activity

Gratitude Jar

Creating a gratitude jar is a simple and meaningful way to build a habit of thankfulness. All you need is a jar or small box, paper, a pen, and optional decorations like ribbon, stickers, or markers. Start by decorating your jar however you like: wrap a ribbon around it, draw designs, or add stickers that make you smile.

Cut small slips of paper and write down something you're grateful for on each one. It could be anything from a beautiful sunset to a kind word from a friend. Fold each note and drop it into the jar. Set a reminder to add at least one note each week, and if gratitude strikes when you're away, jot it down on your phone to add later.

Whenever you need a boost, take a moment to sit with your jar, pull out a note or two, and reflect on the good in your life. Practicing gratitude regularly helps shift your mindset to the positive, reduces stress, and builds resilience. In other words, it's great for your mental health! Keep your jar somewhere visible as a daily reminder to appreciate the little things!