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"Good Grief!" That's what Charlie Brown often says in his exasperation, alarm, or dismay.
Oh Charlie, I don't know about you ... but how can grief be good? I am not having a fun time with it at all, Charlie.
Even before my sister, Paula, died, I was working on accepting the loss of my beautiful Mamma Gina, only a short two Octobers prior. All of us have experienced those deaths that knocked us off our footsies, rocked our world: precious in-laws, sweet parents, our parents' friends special to us, aunts & uncles like second parents, too-young cousins, same-age friends, and even our loyal poochies.
It took me a little while (and a little therapy) to learn that I have been also grieving other non-death-related situations during the past several years. Maybe you can relate ...
- Our youngest baby, 27, lives across the United States (too damn far from my embrace. Hole in heart).
- Our really good friends/neighbors moved away after living next door for 26 years. Big void! (I avoid looking at their house when I pass it.)
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Grieving what is no longer, things that will never be the same: like my 4 kids grew up and I can't sleigh ride with them anymore or snuggle them. Like living without my parents. (Our immediate Molino family once had 6 people and now we're down to 3 - an awful change).
- Grieving for our friends who are grieving their losses and changes, too, because we also love their people.
- Grieving the loss of friendships / relationships which we let go - or they let us go (uh oh ... out of our control).
- Grieving for some younger parts of our lives: body, jobs, energy, time, kids living at home, cool red Corvette - stuff like that.
There are different methods and steps to grieve different things, yet it ALL feels twinged with sadness.
There are specific and supposedly 5 stages to grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I refuse to read about them because I already feel what I feel and don't need anyone to advise me in what order I should feel - or how long it might take.
It is my grief.
I do not see CRANKY on that list. I feel soooo cranky since Paula left. Who knew irritability was part of grief? That is sure to be instilled in anger. Yes, I am enraged Paula left us so young. Yes, I am furious she changed the dynamics of TEAM MOLINO. We were (according to Papa Louie who named us) #1, #2, #3, and #4. Now there are only three of us siblings. Hate that math ... an enormous missing chunk of our family equation.
You may have realized by reading this far, snippeteers, I am not being such a good human currently. Or even being very nice to other earthlings. My poor undeserving hubby now has no head - because I bit it off. I fly off the handle at teensy-tiny trivial junk. Everyone is in my way on the road. I am overly-sensitive (more than my usual Libra self). And I just think most people are nicompoops. And I bash the poo-poo out of pickleballs in play!
Yep, cranky. Irritable. Impatient.
I realize I am not the only person on Earth to feel grief and sadness. All of us have. Thank God those who know Him and His Heaven believe - or else - where do we think our loved ones go??? Years ago at his mom's funeral, my friend John said to me, "How do people who don't believe in God and heaven get through this?"
So, back to "good" grief - described online as "grief which transforms the sublime horror of absence into radiant presence as you lean into the invisible yet palpable love of your lost love and live through, live with, its abundance."
Blah. Blah. Blah. I don't know about all that malarkey and rainbows & unicorns perspective. (Apparently whoever wrote that has never lost a sister.)
Awww, I'm sorry, I am pulling you down into my cranky stink-hole, sweet snippeteers. Apologies. So, Dear Charlie Brown, let's think of what 'good' there is to grief, shall we?
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Sharing with others who 'get it.' Do you know how many people since Paula died have told me they also lost a sibling?! Definitely a blessing to know/find friends who understand immediately what we are feeling.
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Reading a daily passage in the book Healing After Loss: daily meditations for working through grief (another gift - thanks, Sharon)
- Receiving cool, beautiful, and comforting signs in nature, or even in a gift store, as we run around life
- Getting visits & hugs from them in my dream - our souls together
- Watching cloud formations of hearts and angels (cue the rainbows & unicorns)
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Accepting kind gifts - oh wow, oh boy - I have received dozens of gifts.
- Extraordinary outpouring of concern and love: calls, texts, emails, cards, food, visits, Mass cards, donations, presence, hugs, flowers
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That Paula lives with me in her death. She is always with me now ... vs. in life when we lived two hours apart in Maryland & Pennsylvania and could not see each other weekly. I had a dream after she died - she put her hand on my shoulder and told me, "I see everything you do." (shivers)
Oh Good Grief, Charlie ... there seems to be some good to all of this after all.
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