Three different friends lately have mentioned that they no longer "engage" a specific person in their life. One was talking about a sister ... one was referring to a coworker ... one was talking about a neighbor.
About the sister, my friend said, "I have stopped engaging her. It's just a no-win conversation - every time."
About the coworker, my friend said, "The more I engage that lady via email to ask for something about work, the more she emails back with personal Chatty-Cathy conversation ... babbles on and on telling me every detail about nothing. We do not have that kind of relationship, nor am I seeking that from her. So I engage her as little as possible."
About the neighbor, my friend said, "She's just plain kooky. Toxic even. I don't need toxic people in my world."
Do these friends and situations sound cruel? I don't think so. I totally get it. I think these three people are practicing self-preservation.
There were people in my life whom I have given up on purpose, from whom I have disengaged. Some were bipolar-like; seemed there was never a win-win conversation, only exhausting one-sided ones - toxic conversations. In fact, one person whom I no longer engage never heard one word I tried to contribute to the conversation. That person was immersed in her own little me-me-me world. Saw no other human standing in front of her. So why was I expending my energy to sustain that kind of relationship? (And - has she even noticed I disengaged???)
Some people we have sacrificed because we recognized them as users - they were not genuine friends. (We know who our genuine friends are, right!?) If someone wants to call us out of the blue after three years of not speaking or seeing each other, only to invite themself to our beach house ... well, I don't think so, darling. Who needs a friend who wants us for what we own instead of for who we are?
From the Internet ... signs of a toxic relationship:
- The person disrespects your boundaries.
- The person always wants something from you.
- The person doesn't take accountability.
- They attack you with their struggles.
- They bring to the table constant exhausting drama.
- They make you feel guilty for spending time with others.
- They dismiss your values.
- They don't hear a word you say, talk over you, or invest attention on what's on your heart and mind.
- The person ignores your efforts to be a good friend to them.
dis·en·gage·ment
/ˌdisənˈɡājm(ə)nt/
[noun]: the act of withdrawing or separating from an
attachment, relationship, or unpleasant situation
Snippeteers, someone's poor or rude or inappropriate behavior is not your fault. If staying connected exhausts you, irritates you, or feels unpleasant 96% of the time ... why continue the relationship? If obligation is the only component keeping you engaged with that person, seems the relationship has already run its course.
And if you are feeling guilty because you have disengaged from someone (or want to) - DON'T. Call it self-preservation, self-protection. Enjoy your healthier relationships instead.
We congratulate couples all the time on their engagements, right?! So I'm saying here ... Happy Disengagement!
