"... and never brought to mind"
like the Irish song says?
Yet sometimes we
do
think about former friends. We may wonder what happened to them or even years later, struggle to understand why a friendship ended. In some cases, there was no closure. And that bugs us. We don't like mysteries except for Scooby Do.
Continuing our threads of thought from
last week's
SNIPPETS
about begging people for their time, I began to think about past hurts from friends who had released me; and how hurtful it may have felt to others whom I have let go. Some of the relationships were toxic - I do not wish to resurrect those. With other friendships, life's varying paths and different states forced us to drift apart unwillingly. I know which former friends, if given the opportunity, I would - and would not - allow into my life again.
You may have heard this phrase, based on an old Italian proverb:
Fool me once, shame on you;
fool me twice, shame on me.
Are there former friends (or estranged family) you still think about? Someone with whom you might like to reconnect yet perhaps do not know where to begin or feel scared to make the first move? Or maybe just someone you've drifted from and would like to see again?
Once on my birthday, I received a sincere greeting card with a letter inside from a close high school friend, Christy, who wanted to reconnect. And we did. And it was good. Maybe she was afraid to mail that card not knowing what my reaction would be, yet she did it afraid anyhow, and the outcome was positive.
Another not-going-to-name-her close friend I had in the corporate world in the 1980s turned out to be a one-way selfish user and taker: with her boyfriend (also my friend), then with her husband, with me, and with others. She moved out of state and I never heard from her again. Good riddance, babycakes. Should I happen to one day see her on the street, I would look away and walk past ... not because I am not "over" the hurt almost 40 years later, but because I do not care any longer. I am neutral; she does not matter in my life now. She was a "friend" who showed her true colors, proving she was never a real friend to begin with.
-------- Here is part of a piece, "Reconnecting with former friends," I had once written for some freelance magazine assignment -------
You moved, she got married, you had a disagreement ... for whatever reason you and your friend parted ways, if you still think about her, maybe it’s time to reconnect?
Be forewarned
- it could be emotional depending on why you stopped speaking. You might need to rehash a few issues to clear the air and talk about what wedge came between you and to ensure neither is still holding onto old junk. Does that hurdle need to be jumped before moving forward?
Fools don’t rush in
– begin with an email, a less invasive method of saying hello, which most likely will come as a surprise. Give the recipient time to digest things rather than possibly putting someone on the spot with a phone call (no processing time) or possibly on the defensive. Perhaps after a few initial connections, you might then chat by phone or text; then eventually, meet face to face if that feels comfortable for both of you. Try to keep 'the blame' out of it.
Be sincere
- head into a former friendship for the right reason – hopefully, because you miss the friendship. Do not reach out because you want something, such as career help or to retrieve one of your possessions they still have.
---------------|
A friend I met in the mid-80s I hadn't seen or spoken to in a long time once called only to invite me and my husband to a birthday party (3 hours away) because she wanted to surprise her brother with "
a Ken Singleton appearance
." That angered - and hurt - me very much. Luckily, we moved past it, have since reconnected, and are still friends.
Who are you thinking about as you read this snippet?
Who do you miss?
Is it possible to resurrect the relationship?
Or are you okay with keeping that person at arm's length?
If you think you might like to reconnect, you might be pleasantly surprised at a friend's reaction. Maybe s/he misses you, too? If someone is present in your heart, is it time to act on it?
And if you do NOT wish ever again to see that person, is it time to let go of your ill feelings towards them? Chances are - they do not even know you feel hurt or angry - so who does it hurt ultimately holding onto
that
junk?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot? Or brought back into your life?
