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Hello Genesis,
Since 2016, I've taught conflict resolution skills to well over 700 college students, law students, lawyers, Csuite, techies, judges, non-profit employees and HR professionals. After practicing their first mediation they almost all ask the same question:
"As soon as I heard both sides, the rational solution was clear to me. How do I point that out or lead them there?"
This incredibly common question is inconsistent with the goals of mediation for several reasons:
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A core value of mediation is self-determination. The parties themselves should be the ones who identify possibilities and choose the solutions that fit their goals, needs and resources.
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Another core value of mediation is neutrality. If we're invested in a specific result and trying to lead the parties there, are we maintaining neutrality?
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What is rational? An individualistic approach to rationality suggests that we all value ourselves more than anyone else and value money most of all. But is that true? Is this the most rational way to assess whether a solution is a "good" one? Other very rational assessment paradigms include:
- prioritizing what's best for a community over the individual; (spouse, family, workplace, etc);
- placing a higher value on time or other resources;
- valuing the relationship with the other party more than money;
- valuing another (non-present) relationship more than the possibility of a current solution (I believe this is a good deal, but I know my dad would hate it);
- being invested in a principle more than money, time or other resources; and
- holding out for a path that allows the person to maintain their sense of themselves, reputation or worldview.
As mediators, we facilitate a process to help people express themselves, get validation, discover the richness of resources and options available, and identify solutions that meet their needs.
People make rational choices based on the information and priorities they have at the time. We just might not know (yet) which lens they are using for their assessments.
What do I ultimately tell my students? "Be patient. Let the parties lead. Help them assess their options against their own needs and values."
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