Wouldn’t it be great if we could just snap our fingers and all that we don’t like about other people would suddenly change? But, you need to know, while you are snapping your fingers, other people may be snapping theirs trying to make you change!
Most of us spend time trying to figure out how to get other people to change but, no matter what we do, we can never make another person change.
There’s good news though: if we understand what motivates people to change, we can have a positive influence on them and be a catalyst for positive change.
Maybe you have tried to get others to change by being demanding and authoritarian, hoping people will change by brute force. This approach may achieve short term results, but long-term sustainable behavior change will most likely not occur.
Another idea is that people will change if they suffer enough. Over the years, I (
Donna
) was sure my teenager’s grades were going to improve if he was scared enough about not getting into the college of his choice. That strategy did not work well.
Researchers who study why people stop smoking were sure they would stop smoking if they knew the gruesome health facts. The success rate of smoking cessation through this approach was almost nil.
Long term change simply does not occur if suffering or force is the motivation.
The chances are great that either strategy—being demanding or increasing the suffering—will trigger the
Dreaded Drama Triangle
(DDT) and you will be seen as the purveyor of “bad things happening,” and as a
Persecutor
.
People do not make lasting change because of pain and suffering.
Change occurs when people connect with an intrinsic value—something they deeply care about. When they get in touch with what matters most to them, they will invest in personal change efforts.
Here’s the challenge: many people are very practiced at knowing what they don’t want. Few people are really clear about what they do want. When we support them in focusing on what they do want, it evokes their deep passion and connects with what has heart and meaning for them.
That is also why organizations need to be able to communicate and constantly reinforce an inspiring vision, mission and purpose in serving the needs of its customers (internal or external) and other stakeholders. In such an environment, workers are most empowered when their values align with the organization’s.
Here are a few suggestions that can support a person changing their behavior:
- Support others to see that change is a natural phenomenon of nature (just observe the weather and see dramatic change every day). Learning to be comfortable with change, in general, will assist someone who is resisting change.
- Be part of their support system that believes in them and inspires them to change. Show empathy for the feelings associated with change, while not reinforcing the reasons for resistance.
- Help them see the benefits—“What’s in It for Me?”—of the change. Reflect upon what is motivating them and what they will get from the change effort. This must be based upon what they really care about, not what you have told them they should care about.
- Continue to listen openly for what has meaning for them, as you support them to take steps toward what they can control and create.
That is what the
2nd Vital Question
(“How Are You Relating?”) is all about, and it can lead to powerful and fulfilling change, both personally and professionally.
