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During the month of May I read the third edition of Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. This book, first published in 1999, has been updated by the three authors (all members of the Harvard Negotiation Project) on three separate occasions in order to update the theories first expressed 26 years ago and stay relevant. We all need to engage in a difficult conversation from time to time, whether it is a conversation with a neighbor about a tree, an evaluation discussion with a subordinate or a talk with an elderly parent about the need to make some life changes.
The key premise of the book is that every difficult conversation actually involves three conversations:
1. The “What Happened?” Conversation. Most difficult conversations involve a disagreement about what has happened or what should happen. This can involve considerations of who said what or who did what? It can also include who is right and who is to blame?
2. The Feelings Conversation. Every difficult conversation involves questions about feelings. Are my feelings valid? Should I ignore them? What do I do about the other person’s feelings? What if they are angry or hurt?
3. The Identity Conversation. This is the conversation we have with ourselves about what the situation being discussed means to us. We have an internal debate about what this means about us. Are we good or bad? Are we lovable or unlovable? What impact will this conversation have on our self-image or self-esteem?
By reference to numerous factual scenarios the authors carefully examine how to approach these three conversations and then focus on the factors necessary to create a “learning conversation” in order to approach these tricky situations.
As a mediator, one of the chapters which was most instructive to me involved learning how to “listen from the inside out.” The authors explain that we should listen with a stance of curiosity, rather than coming to the conversation with a belief that we both know and understand the other person’s views and feelings. Key to being truly curious includes actually inquiring in order to learn. To do so we need to avoid statements disguised as questions (such as “is it impossible for you to pay attention to me just once?”), nor use questions to cross-examine (such as “wouldn’t you agree that …?”) Rather, quality listening involves asking open questions, asking for more concrete information and, if necessary, giving the other person the space or time they may consider necessary in order to respond to your inquiries.
Difficult conversations are something that none of us can avoid. This book provides some great tools we all can use to make those conversations productive for all involved.
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