Tailgating won’t make me go faster, it just lets me see what

bad decisions look like in my rearview mirror.

-Unknown

There are a lot of nice things about living in Massachusetts—far too many to name.

The history. The coastline. The changing seasons. The sports teams. The universities. The small towns. The seafood.

The fact that you can drive an hour in almost any direction and find something interesting.

However, there are also things that aren't nice about living in Massachusetts starting with the gas prices, the non-stop road construction, and the cost of whole belly clams.

The one thing that leads the list of things that are not nice about living in Massachusetts is, of course, the drivers. There is one particular kind of driver who should be put in jail, even for a first offense. The tailgater.

Not the person having fun in a parking lot before a Patriots game. I mean the absolute jerk who drives inches from your rear bumper because they are impatient, stupid, or—most likely—both.



Because of the nature of my work, my family responsibilities, and my interests, I do a lot of driving. I spend enough time in the car that I have become something of an expert on the various species of impatient, stupid jerks roaming the roads of Massachusetts.

The Main Street Jerk

The Main Street Jerk follows six feet behind you in a 30-mile-per-hour zone, apparently furious that you have chosen to drive somewhere near the speed limit.

They stay glued to your bumper until the road opens into two lanes. Then they come roaring around you at 50 miles per hour, weaving between lanes so they can arrive at the next stop sign or red light approximately two seconds before you do.

As a longtime facilitator of time-management courses, I can certainly appreciate efficiency. I understand the value of saving time and arriving early.

But risking a collision, frightening the driver ahead of you, and engaging in several unsafe driving practices to save two seconds does not really work for me.



Besides, there is something satisfying about pulling up beside the Main Street Jerk at the next red light.

All that effort. All that gasoline. All that aggressive maneuvering. And there we are—side by side.

The Interstate Idiot

Even more dangerous and irritating is the Interstate Idiot. This is the driver who comes racing up behind you in the left lane and uses the distance between their front bumper and your rear bumper to deliver a message.

The message is clear:

Get the hell out of this lane. Whatever I have to do and wherever I have to go are more important than anything you have to do or anywhere you have to go.

They ride your bumper until you can safely pull over. Then they blast past you, accelerate toward the next car, and repeat the entire process.

The next driver becomes their new obstacle. Their new enemy. Their new reason for outrage. It is an incredibly dangerous way to drive, and it does not seem to matter whether you are traveling 55, 65, or 75 miles per hour. Whatever speed you are going, the Interstate Idiot needs to go faster.

The Backroad Bully

Then there is the Backroad Bully. This driver appears on a narrow, winding, two-lane road where the speed limit may be 35 or 40 miles per hour. There are blind curves, hills, driveways, bicyclists, pedestrians, deer, and perhaps the occasional tractor.

None of that matters to the Backroad Bully.

They drive so close behind you that their headlights disappear from your rearview mirror. They seem to believe that every curve is an opportunity to intimidate you into driving faster.

There may be no shoulder. There may be no place to pull over. There may be a line of traffic ahead of you stretching around the next bend.

Still, the Backroad Bully acts as though you alone are preventing them from setting a new land-speed record between two Massachusetts town centers.

Eventually, they may pass you on a curve or across a double yellow line, only to end up directly behind the same school bus, delivery truck, or line of cars you were following.

Once again, tremendous risk. Virtually no reward.

The Six-Car-Length Fantasy

When I was learning to drive, I remember being taught the guideline of leaving one car length for every ten miles per hour.

If you were traveling at 60 miles per hour, you were supposed to leave six car lengths between your vehicle and the car ahead of you. That sounds perfectly reasonable.

Try it on the Massachusetts Turnpike.



The moment you create a six-car-length safety buffer, someone is on your rear bumper, two cars have passed you on the right, and a third has slid into the open space ahead of you.

Apparently, Massachusetts drivers do not see that space as a safety cushion. They see it as available real estate.

What I Would Like to Tell Them

If road rage were not a real concern, I might install an electronic sign on the back of my car. It could display a rotating selection of helpful messages for the person driving three feet behind me.

Possible messages might include:

• If you can read this, you are too close.
• Back off, buddy.
• Your poor planning is not my emergency.
• Yes, I see you. No, I am not driving through the car ahead of me for your convenience.
• The closer you get, the slower I feel required to drive.
• Congratulations. You have reached the same red light two seconds before me.
• Tailgating will not make the traffic disappear.
• My rear bumper is not a speed-control device.
• Please leave enough room for both of us to survive your impatience.
• I am an undercover police officer. Back off, stupid.

That last one might not be entirely legal, but it would be satisfying.

Perhaps the safest and most accurate message would simply be:

I am not the reason you are late.

A Brief Message to the Mass-Hole

Now, there is a chance that someone reading this is beginning to feel a little uncomfortable. Perhaps you recognize yourself as the Main Street Jerk, the Interstate Idiot, or the Backroad Bully.

Maybe you routinely drive so close to the car ahead that you can read the expiration date on its inspection sticker.

If so, please understand that riding someone’s bumper will not make traffic move faster, remove the cars in front of them, or magically make you arrive on time.

It will only make everyone around you nervous and increase the likelihood of an accident.

Take a breath. Leave some space. Back off, buddy. You may be surprised to discover that you still arrive at your destination—and probably at almost exactly the same time.

A Uniquely Massachusetts Experience

Over the years, I have held driver’s licenses in California, Tennessee, Ohio, and Massachusetts.

Every state has bad drivers. Every state has impatient drivers. Every state has drivers who treat speed limits, turn signals, and lane markings as optional suggestions.

But I can tell you from experience that tailgating seems far more prevalent in Massachusetts.

• There are no California-holes.
• There are no Tennessee-holes.
• There are no Ohio-holes.
• But there are plenty of Mass-holes.

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