Dear Caregiver Support Line:
“I share caregiving duties for my elderly father with my mother and older brother. My father was recently discharged from the hospital after a stroke that left him partially paralyzed and unable to walk independently. My brother does most of the care. I don’t live at home, but I try to support him as much as I can. My father refuses outside care, believing my brother can handle most tasks. My mother, also elderly and frail, is reluctant to ask for support. I’m worried that she might try to help my father and injure herself. My parents hold the cultural belief that adult children should care for their parents without outside help, and my brother is already overwhelmed. Is there anything I can do or say to change my father’s mind about having home care or a physiotherapist come in?” – Concerned Daughter
Dear Concerned Daughter:
This is a challenging situation with multiple layers, including cultural expectations, family dynamics, and the well-being of both your elderly parents and the caregiving siblings. It isn’t uncommon for older parents to resist help in the home.
Your father’s care needs likely increased after transitioning from the hospital to home, requiring new planning for current and future support. Having an open conversation with your family by arranging a meeting with your brother, mother, and father is one way to express your concerns. Consider preparing a list of key points before the meeting.
One approach to consider is acknowledging that everyone’s health, well-being, and safety are a priority. Share your concern for your mother’s safety when she helps your father without assistance, and assure her that professional help is for your father’s benefit, as well as for your brother’s and mother’s safety. Consider expressing your worry about falls and hospitalizations if proper professional support isn’t available. Let your father know that care workers and physiotherapists are trained to provide the best care, aiding his recovery and minimizing the risk of injuries.
Sometimes, how you frame an idea can make a difference. Instead of saying “outside help,” refer to them as “assistants” supporting the family, not replacing them. Suggest trying home care temporarily as a short-term solution during the recovery phase. This can often help reduce resistance to the idea of permanent outside help.
Acknowledge the cultural belief and suggest that professional help can complement, not replace, their care. Have your father’s doctor or other health care providers explain the benefits, as their advice may be more impactful. Consulting an occupational therapist can also ensure a safer environment. Proper planning, time, and resources are needed, and exploring refundable medical expenses can help reduce the financial burden.
Encourage your brother to take breaks and prioritize his health. Consider respite care for relief, even if your father refuses full-time help. Help him set realistic boundaries and be honest about his limits. Using technology, like movement and fall detection devices, could also assist in monitoring your father’s health.
Don’t forget to look after your own emotional and physical health. Caregiver burnout can happen even when you’re not the primary caregiver. Ensure you have support for yourself, too. The goal is to ensure that everyone involved, especially your father, brother, and mother, remains safe, healthy, and supported.
We hope you find these suggestions helpful.
–The Caregiver Support Team (Source from Family Caregivers of British Columbia)
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